Done as a Society

I've come back.

2007-12-10T20:50:00.000-06:00

For two words - Kitty Wigs.

Told you it didn't add up....

2007-03-25T13:20:00.000-05:00

This relatest to the previous post, so go down there and read that first...

Yeah, I was the jerk for suggesting that the dog beheading had something to do with an implicit suggestion of Crystal having sex with the dog... Funny, while I was wrong on the people who committed the crime, I was right about the suggestion.

Here are a couple of items that have since come out...

On Thursday, police recovered evidence that connects the man to the crime, Sgt. Jim Gray said. "He admitted to being there [when the dog was beheaded]," Gray said.

The suspect, 24, was jailed Thursday on suspicion of making terroristic threats. The Star Tribune isn't using his name because he hasn't yet been charged; that may happen as early as today and could include animal cruelty charges as well.

The suspect is a man whom Crystal had once befriended. "He really has no one," she said. "He has no friends. I felt sorry for him."

He wanted Crystal to be his girlfriend. But she didn't want that, she said.

And a couple of days later...

"He's dragging her down to get revenge. He was mad because she has a new boyfriend. Crystal is just severely depressed. She's on the edge ... and I don't know what will happen," Shirley Brown said.

So, see, I told you all.

But as the story goes on, you begin to realize just how this thing is even a bigger mess than first thought.

Keep in mind that Crystal is 17. Still in high school. SEVENTEEN. Now, let's read about this guy....

Gomez was previously convicted of second-degree assault and sentenced to prison for one year and nine months for a 2004 attack in St. Paul when he stomped and kicked a friend at a party.

Gomez also was convicted of domestic assault in 2001. He spent six days in jail, then was ordered to serve another 30 days for probation violations, including failure to complete an anger management program.

Now, can someone explain to me WTF this family was thinking in allowing this girl to hang out, and even date, this guy. Seriously. I mean, what's the deal here.

I still believe this is a sad and screwed up story. Keeping that in mind, as a buddy of mine once observed that gad things generally don't happen to random people. Most of the time, the person has put themself ito a situation that opens them up to having problems. This is that case.

Yeah, this is a screwed up story and one of the more weird ones we've had. Nevertheless, it took a screwed up situation in the first place for it to all come about.

So what makes us more Done as a Society? The fact that a guy beheaded what turned out to be an already dead dog (a one time weird occassion), or the fact that a family allowed their 17 problemed child hang out with this ex-con?

I had an intervention today...

2007-03-21T22:16:00.000-05:00

You've got to love Toothpaste for Dinner.

Something's not adding up....

2007-03-15T08:10:00.000-05:00

This is the lastest story to go around the Twin Cities...

Girl Given Dog's Severed Head In Package
(AP) St. Paul A 17-year-old girl who spent weeks looking for her missing dog was horrified when she unwrapped a box left on her doorstep and found her dog's severed head inside.

Homicide investigators were looking into the case because of the "implied" terroristic threat, St. Paul Police Sgt. Jim Gray said. The Humane Society of the United States said Wednesday that it was offering a reward of up to $2,500 for information leading to an arrest and conviction.

Okay, that "implied" terroistic threat is stupid. I mean, it's not like they were threatening to blow themselves up. I can see criminal damage to property, and obviously there are a lot of civil matters, but it they're trying to suggest this is "terrorist" like, then it shows just how far we've watered that down.

"This was extraordinarily heinous," said Dale Bartlett, the Humane Society's deputy manager for animal cruelty issues. "I deal with hundreds and hundreds of cruelty cases each year. When I read about this case, it took my breath away. It's horrible."

Sending the dog's head to the teen was malicious, Bartlett said. "That level of depravity is beyond belief," Bartlett said.

After Crystal Brown's 4-year-old Australian shepherd mix wandered away last month, she peppered the neighborhood with "missing" posters, and went door to door looking for him. She called the St. Paul animal shelter and rode the bus there several times. "I felt empty," Crystal said. "I couldn't talk to anyone. He was my dog. It was just me and him. ... I told him everything and he never shared any of my secrets."

Two weeks ago, a gift-wrapped box was left at the house Crystal shares with her grandmother. The box had batteries on top, and a note that said "Congratulations Crystal. This side up. Batteries included." Crystal opened the box and found her dog's head inside. The box also contained Valentine's Day candy. Crystal screamed when she saw her dog's face.

"She was just hysterical," said Crystal's grandmother, Shirley Brown. "She was screaming. She said, 'Grandma, it's my dog's head.' "I said, no it can't be."

Authorities say the case is an isolated incident and the suspect likely knew the family. A motive is unclear. "This was so cruel," Crystal said. "This is one sick, twisted person."

Okay, I may be going to hell for this, but something doesn't add up.

This is a SEVENTEEN year old girl. That means this was a high school girl and so the perpatrators are more than likely 16-18 year old guys. If she were 8, I'd suspect a neighbor, but this seems to be a teenage guy thing. The fact that they delivered the package to her steps also suggests that they knew her and actually lured the dog away for this (you don't behead dogs you don't know).

Okay, now let's look at the other circumstances. The dog's head included BATTERIES and VALENTINES CANDY. What's the connection, and think like a 16-18 year old boy who would cut the head off of a dog. The note also give some insight "This side up. Batteries included."

This is where I go to hell. Seems to me that there obviously some sexual connotation of things (as would be expected by 16-18 yr. old guys). This side up? Batteries? I think there's a hidden suggestion about things. It also makes me wonder what the "congratulations Crystal."

Here's my theory (for which everyone will now hate me). I'm guessing that there was some sort of rumor around the school that Crystal....um.... "knew" her dog. Obviously, it was probably completely baseless crap, but that doesn't stop teenage boys. Then as some cruel joke, these guys decide to go and do this.

...That's just my jerk-ass of a theory though...

UPDATE:
I found this version of the story while reading the news this morning. I think there are some things that may give credence to my theory, as sad as it may seem....

"I told him everything and he never shared any of my secrets," said Crystal, 17, who has had some troubled times in her young life. Chevy was her therapy dog, and she leaned on him for comfort and support.
....
"He was more patient than any person I ever met. That dog waited for years for me to get myself together," said Crystal, who began to cry.

"That dog didn't care what I did, what I didn't do ... what anyone did to me. He didn't care about any of that. He just wanted to love me the way I loved him."

I'm saying that if she talked like this during school - if she had an unusual attachment to this dog, then I can see why/how my theory started forming.

Note, I am NOT suggesting that she actually had, um, "relations" with the dog. Rather, I'm saying that I can see guys starting that rumor and then conjuring up this sick plan.

My only point in any of this is that sometimes the other side of the story helps understand what's really going on.

Prove it wasn't a unicorn, smarty.

2007-03-14T08:33:00.000-05:00

You know you're running low on excuses when this is the best you can come with.

Man Tells Cops Unicorn Caused Crash
(AP) BILLINGS, Mont. A man told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post - it was that unicorn behind the wheel. Prosecutor Ingrid Rosenquist said Phillip C. Holliday Jr. initially denied driving the truck involved in the March 7 crash in Billings. He told officers at the scene that a unicorn was driving, she said.

Holliday, 42, pleaded not guilty Tuesday to felony charges of criminal endangerment and drunken driving.

A pickup truck drove through a red light and nearly struck another truck in the intersection, according to court documents. The driver then made an erratic U-turn through a gas station, crossed the street and crashed into a light pole. Nobody was injured.

Holliday has five drunken-driving convictions. District Judge Gregory Todd kept his bail at $100,000 despite his lawyer arguing that Holliday's last such conviction was 14 years ago.

You mean to tell me that a small mythical creature was driving erraticaly and smashing into light poles? That can't be good.

In a completely unrelated note, while I was searching for "Holiday" pictures, I did come across this little gem which doesn't fit the post, but does fit the blog.

Back in the day, I use to work at a local gas station in my little home town (which is now a Holiday station). The gas station had this stupid big fake walleye or bass or something outside of it. It was just some hokey concrete fish thing. Supposedly caught by Paul Bunyon, blah, blah, blah.

People would take pictures of it on their trips, which we all thought was just stupid. I mean, it's just a fake fish.

Well, in my search, I came across the photo:

I shudder in memory of working there.

I blame Hallmark and their stupid holiday.

2007-02-20T09:10:00.000-06:00

Hey guys, you better think twice about whether you want to string that relationship along. Women don't take kindly to not getting what they want on Valentine's day.

Dumaguete City, Philippines - A woman who got mad that her boyfriend of 12 years hadn’t gotten her a valentine’s day gift flew into a rage yesterday and chopped off her left nipple after cutting off her boyfriend’s penis first.

Reynato Reyes, 41, said that his girlfriend had wanted a wedding ring and had been asking for marriage due to stress and nagging from her mother who was dying from cancer.

The girlfriend herself also wanted to have children before she got too old to “play with them”, he said and her mom had hinted on several occasions that Reynato was a loser and that her daughter would be better off without him.

Reynato said that if he had married his girlfriend like the mom wanted, she probably (the mom) would not have stopped nagging them anyway and he saw no need of marrying her as it kept their relationship much more alive that way.

Damn, I wish I would have thought of that line back in the days of Prof. Ex.

He said the girlfriend, Loreli Belmonte, 32, had warned him that if he did not get her what she wanted after staying with him that long, then she would cut off a part of her body that he loved the most.

Reynato says that he did not take her seriously since she herself loved her own breasts and had forced Reynato to pay for her to get a breast augmentation two years ago.

Reynado says he immediately forgot about the threat when he went to work that morning and that upon coming back home from work later that evening, he found a gift-wrapped box sitting on the floor of his living room.

Just then, Loreli walked in from the bedroom and straight out asked him for “the ring”. When Reynato failed to produce a ring, Loreli calmly walked toward the box, opened it and took out a brand new machete.

Reynato tried backing out the front door and was obstructed by a chair behind him. He fell backwards and hit his head on the arm chair knocking himself out. When he came to, he was lying on a hospital bed with unbelievable pain in his groin. He learned from the police as they questioned him that his girlfriend had indeed cut off her left nipple after cutting his penis off and had then proceeded to call the police and tell them exactly what she had done.

Doctors did manage to stitch Reynato’s penis back and he says he is ready to forgive and forget and would take her back as soon as she is released from jail.

Ahhh...they've made up. You've got to love disfunctional couples.

And before any of you make a joke, we fell short of 8 years, far less than the 12 this guy strung it out.

You ought to need a license.

2007-02-09T11:23:00.000-06:00

The current temperature in the Twin Cities metro is -1. This means it's about the 10th day in a row where temperatures have been significantly below zero for much of the day.

Nevertheless, parents seem to think it's cool to just leave your kids in the car:

Kids in Car while Mom Tans

Kid Left in Car while Dad hits the Casino

14-month and 3-year old left in Car

WTF is wrong with these parents? What the hell goes through their heads to cause them to think that this is a good idea?

You know, these kids are at a huge disadvantage starting out in life. They only go on to grow up and make stupid decision.

For example, they may go on to become the prosecutors for the third story...

Woman Who Left Sons In Cold Car Not Charged
(AP) Duluth, Minn. A Duluth woman who left her two young children in a parked car while temperatures were well below zero won't be charged with child endangerment, authorities said.

Police said the woman left a 14-month-old boy and a 3-year-old boy in the car for about a half-hour Saturday after the vehicle wouldn't start. The outside temperature was about 20 degrees below zero, and the youngest boy had early signs of frostbite on his finger tips when he was treated later at a hospital.

The children were taken from their mother, then returned Sunday, Deputy Police Chief John Beyer said.

"Was it potentially some poor parenting? Probably," he said. "But she was distracted and once she noticed something was wrong she brought them in and sought medical attention. If this had happened two weeks ago when it was 32 above it would have been a non-issue."

Oh, so she was distracted. That's cool. No big deal...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! She was "distracted"?!?!?!

Forgetting to turn off the coffee maker is something you do when you are distracted. Ignoring a detail in a conversation is something you do when you are distracted. Misplacing your pen is something you do when you are distracted. Missing your turn is something you do when you're distracted.

Leaving your two kids in the car when it's -20 degrees out is something you do when you're a shitty parent who has no business raising kids.

Fucking distracted.... Nice call St. Louis county.

And no, leaving 2 kids like that in the car isn't something you do when it's 32 degrees out. And no, you don't just get to ignore the fact that it's cold out. And no, bringing someone in for medical attention to fix your fuck up isn't enough to steralize your mistake.

Amazing what we let people get by with these days.

Don't call it a "hoax." Call it your own stupidity.

2007-02-01T07:57:00.000-06:00

Boston-ites prove, yet again (see: Red Sox), that they are the second most self-centered (thank you New York) group of douchebags out there.

Don't call it a "hoax" when its really just your own stupidity.

Boston Publicity Ploy Leads To 2 Arrests
Electronic Devices Planted Around City A Backfired Marketing Ploy By Cartoon Network

(CBS News) BOSTON Several illuminated electronic devices planted at bridges and other spots in Boston threw a scare into the city Wednesday in what turned out to be a publicity campaign for a late-night cable cartoon. Most of the devices depict a character giving the finger.

Peter Berdovsky, 27, of Arlington, and Sean Stevens, 28, of Charlestown, were each charged Wednesday night with one count of placing a hoax device and one count of disorderly conduct, state Attorney General Martha Coakley said. The two men worked together to place the devices, Coakley said in a news release announcing Stevens' arrest.

Highways, bridges and a section of the Charles River were shut down and bomb squads were sent in before authorities declared the devices were harmless.

Are you fist-fucking me? Get the F out. You guys saw something that amounted to a Lite-Brite and you all freaked out and called the bomb squad?

Turner Broadcasting, a division of Time Warner Inc. and parent of Cartoon Network, said the devices were part of a promotion for the TV show "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," a surreal series about a talking milkshake, a box of fries and a meatball.

They make it seem so silly. They do that show no justice.

Authorities are investigating whether Turner and any other companies should be criminally charged, Coakley said.

Okay, now I HAVE see it all.

Berdovsky and Stevens were scheduled to be arraigned Thursday in Charlestown District Court, Coakley said.

"We're not going to let this go without looking at the further roots of how this happened to cause the panic in this city," Coakley said at a news conference.

I'll tell you how. Your city is filled with a bunch of self-centered IDIOTS!!! Seriously, what a bunch of trigger happy pussies.

Seriously. You want to know the casue? Bostonians.

Those conducting the campaign should have known the devices could cause panic because they were placed in sensitive areas, she said. Turner did not notify officials of the publicity campaign until around 5 p.m., nearly four hours after the first calls came in about the devices, she and others said.

You mean, other than than the fact that they are made up of little LCD lights?

Seriously, let's look at one of these things:

WTF did you think it was? And you guys thought I was kidding when I said it was nothing more than a Lite-Brite.

I mean, seriously, who thought these were bombs? When the hell have "The Teorrists" decided to draw cartoon pictures on shit they were going to blow up? Honestly...

The law under which the two men were charged allows the state to pursue restitution. Mayor Thomas Menino said the security scare may have cost the city more than $500,000.

At least 14 of the devices were found, and at least 24 more are still around the city, officials said.

"The packages in question are magnetic lights that pose no danger," Turner said in a statement.

Okay, let's look at the law involved then...

Mass 226, 102A1/2 - (a) Whoever ... uses or places or causes another to knowingly or unknowingly possess, transport, use or place any hoax device ... with the intent to cause anxiety, unrest, fear or personal discomfort to any person or group of persons shall be punished by imprisonment in a house of correction ....

(b) For the purposes of this section, the term “hoax device” shall mean any device that would cause a person reasonably to believe that such device is an infernal machine. For the purposes of this section, the term “infernal machine” shall mean any device for endangering life or doing unusual damage to property, or both, by fire or explosion, whether or not contrived to ignite or explode automatically....

Okay, first, they obviously didn't have the intent to "cause anxiety, unrest, fear or personal discomfort. This is clearly an advertisement deal.

Second, and look at this one closely Boston, a "hoax device" means one that would cause "a person REASONABLY to believe that such device is an infernal machine." You CANNOT possibly try to tell me that this was "reasonable" believed to be a bomb. I'm sorry, it just can't happen.

Maybe I'm being too hard on Boston. I mean, maybe the pictures don't do it justice. I wonder if other cities would react the same way....

It said the devices have been in place for two to three weeks in 10 cities: Boston; New York; Los Angeles; Chicago; Atlanta; Seattle; Portland, Ore.; Austin, Texas; San Francisco; and Philadelphia.

Nope. Guess Boston is the only one filled with dipshits.

"We regret that they were mistakenly thought to pose any danger," the company said. As soon as the company realized the problem, it said, law enforcement officials were told of their locations in all 10 cities.

That conversation went like this...

Police: Hello, XXXX city police. How can I help you?

Company: Yeah, just wanted to tell you that those Lite-Brite things aren't bombs.

Police: Umm....okay....does you Mom know your calling?

The marketing firm that put them up, Interference Inc., has been ordered to remove them immediately, said Phil Kent, Turner chairman.

"We apologize to the citizens of Boston that part of a marketing campaign was mistaken for a public danger," Kent said. "We appreciate the gravity of this situation and, like any responsible company would, are putting all necessary resources toward understanding the facts surrounding it as quickly as possible."
...
Interference Inc. had no immediate comment. A woman who answered the phone at the New York-based firm's offices Wednesday afternoon said the firm's CEO was out of town and would not be able to comment until Thursday.

There were no reports from police Wednesday of residents in the other nine cities spotting similar devices.

Thank you. Take that Boston.

Homeland Security Department spokesman Russ Knocke praised Boston authorities for sharing their knowledge quickly with Washington officials and the public.

"Hoaxes are a tremendous burden on local law enforcement and counter-terrorism resources and there's absolutely no place for them in a post-9/11 world," Knocke said.

IT WASN'T A FLIPPIN' HOAX!!!! Look up the definition and then get back to me.

Seriously, how do you people manage to breathe?

Authorities said some of the objects looked like circuit boards or had wires hanging from them. The first device was found at a subway and bus station underneath Interstate 93, forcing the shutdown of the station and the highway.

Later, police said four calls, all around 1 p.m., reported devices at the Boston University Bridge, which spans the Charles River, and at a Boston street corner. A similar device was found Wednesday evening just north of Fenway Park, police spokesman Eddy Chrispin said. The scare caused some subway service to be suspended and closed a road.

Wanda Higgins, a 47-year-old Weymouth resident and a nurse at Massachusetts General Hospital, heard about the threat as she watched television news coverage while preparing to leave work at 4 p.m.

"I saw the bomb squad guys carrying a paper bag with their bare hands," Higgins said. "I knew it couldn't be too serious."

Messages seeking additional comment from the Atlanta-based Cartoon Network were left with several publicists.

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force" is a cartoon with a cultish following that airs as part of the Adult Swim late-night block of programs for adults on the Cartoon Network. A feature length film based on the show is slated for release March 23.

The cartoon also includes two trouble-making, 1980s-graphic-like characters called "mooninites," named Ignignokt and Err -- who were pictured on the suspicious devices. They are known for making the obscene hand gesture depicted on the devices.

Hey Boston...

Ninja robs store.

2007-01-30T08:27:00.000-06:00

I would have probably just handed over the money. I reward inginuity.

Man Tries To Rob Richfield Lunds Dressed As Ninja
(WCCO) Richfield, Minn. Richfield Police are looking for a man who attempted to rob a Lunds grocery store in Richfield Saturday evening dressed as a ninja.

According to authorities, the suspect entered the store at about 10:30 p.m. dressed in skin-tight black clothing and armed with a samurai-style sword. The suspect stood in line before he demanded the cashier turn over the money in the register, reportedly waving his sword in the air.

The cashier and other customers inside thought the suspect was pulling a prank. The cashier refused to give the suspect the money and he fled the scene.

Richfield Police were called. They searched the neighborhood for the suspect but he managed to slip away into the night in the manner of a ninja.

Police request anyone with any information about the case contact them at (612) 861-9800.

He waited in line? Must have been an awkward moment.

He's a thief. He's not rude.

We've come back to bring you a great story out of Wisconsin.

2007-01-29T08:29:00.000-06:00

Where else of course?

Does this really surprise anyone that this comes out of Wisconsin?

Wis. Lawyer Picks Up Drunk Client, Gets DUI
(AP) Madison, Wis. Police arrested a Madison lawyer for drunken driving after he went to the station to pick up a client who had been arrested for the same offense.

"I can't tell you how humbled I am, how embarrassed I am," said Madison lawyer Rick Petri, who once prosecuted drunken drivers for the Madison city attorney's office.

Petri's client, former Dane County Board member Patrick DePula, 34, was arrested early Thursday for drunken driving, Madison police spokesman Mike Hanson said. His blood alcohol concentration was 0.08 percent.

Petri, 64, said he had been out the same evening, had a couple of drinks and went home about 8 p.m. to watch the Badgers basketball game. He said he had a couple more drinks, then went to bed.

He said Madison police called around about 2 a.m. Thursday asking him to pick up DePula. Petri said the officer asked if he had been drinking, and said he could only come if he had no alcohol in his system. He said he was certain his blood-alcohol concentration was under 0.08 percent, the legal limit for drunken driving in Wisconsin.

"I did not think I was intoxicated, and I was wrong," Petri said.

But when Petri arrived, he was given a preliminary breath test that indicated a blood-alcohol concentration of 0.09 percent and was placed under arrest for drunken driving.

Petri said he should not have trusted his "glib certitude" that he was sober enough to drive, and he is thankful that he did not hurt anyone.

"If there's anybody who should have known better, it was me," he said. "All I can do is apologize to my client, my family and my community."

DePula and Petri were cited for first offenses. The offense is punishable by a fine of $150 to $300, plus a $355 surcharge and license suspension or revocation of six to nine months, along with an alcohol assessment.

NO. F-ING. WAY.

2006-10-26T20:17:00.000-05:00

Get. The. Fuck. Out.

So, just days after posting about a dude having sex with a dead deer, I figured I had seen it all.

Oh, no, there's more....

A 44-year-old Saginaw man remains jailed today on charges of bestiality after he was seen engaged in sexual acts with a dead dog, Michigan State Police troopers said.

Ronald Kuch was arrested after police searched the area of Midland and Carter roads Friday for a man who ran away from a Bay County Animal Control officer. The entire incident was within view of a nearby day care center.

At his arraignment on Monday, Kuch demanded a preliminary examination in Bay County District Court. District Judge Craig Alston ordered him to remain jailed in lieu of $500,000 bond pending a hearing on the evidence Nov. 6.

Kuch is charged with crimes against nature and assaulting a law enforcement officer.

Troopers said a woman from the day care center called for animal control because there was a dead dog near the property that had been hit by a car several days earlier.

Before officers could arrive, the man showed up and began engaging in sexual acts with the dog, police said. The animal control officer also reported seeing Kuch involved in the sex act and as he approached him, Kuch shoved him away and ran off.

State troopers searched the area and found the man hiding in the attic of a nearby house.

Officers determined that the house belonged to the man's girlfriend and later learned that the dog, a black Labrador retriever, also belonged to the girlfriend. The dog had been dead for four or five days.

Wow. Not only do you have sex with a dog, but it's your girlfriend's dead dog. Boy, that has to be a interesting conversation.

The official charge of crimes against nature carries a maximum penalty of 15 years in prison. If the person is a repeat offender, the maximum is life in prison.

You'll all be glad to know that in my searching for links for this story, I learned that in a prosecution for this crime . . .

it shall not be necessary to prove emission, and any sexual penetration, however slight, shall be deemed sufficient to complete the crime specified in the next preceding section.

Just thought you should know.

Man-Deer Relations

2006-10-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

Now, it's pretty clear that we haven't been posting on here very often. Turns out that life out of law school doesn't provide as much free time as we had while in law school. Well, that and spending time with future-Mrs. Prof. S. has something to do with it.

But there are some stories that are so heinous, so out there, so creepy, so DAAS-worthy that they must be told and all work must cease until they are brought to you.

This is that story.

SUPERIOR - A Superior man is in jail for allegedly having sexual relations with a deer carcass he found along the road.

On Oct. 11, Bryan James Hathaway, 20, pleaded innocent to assaulting the carcass, which a criminal complaint says he found it in a ditch along Stinson Avenue while riding his bike.

Hathaway currently faces a misdemeanor charge of sexual gratification with an animal, which carries a maximum penalty of nine months in jail and $10,000 fine. However, because of his previous conviction, he could be sent to prison up to an additional 24 months.

According to the criminal complaint filed in Douglas County Circuit Court, Superior Police Officer Adam Poskozim and two Department of Corrections agents met with Hathaway at his transitional housing residence in Superior Oct. 11.

The Superior man¹s clothes were covered with blood and what appeared to be deer hair and Hathaway originally told officers he had helped his father clean a deer.

Later, he admitted to having sex with the dead deer near Murphy Oil refinery. Hathaway said he was aroused by the sight of the deer in the ditch. He admitted moving its carcass into the woods, where the assault occurred.

Hathaway remains in the Douglas County Jail in lieu of $200 bail. If released, he is to have no contact with animals. His next court appearance is Nov. 16.

He was recently released from prison after serving an 18-month prison sentence for killing a horse. During an investigation of that incident, Hathaway said he wanted to have sex with the animal.

In April 2005, Hathaway was sentenced for mistreating an animal after shooting Bambrick, a 26-year-old gelding owned by Brenda Egan. Det. Sgt. Ed Anderson of the Douglas County Sheriff¹s Department has been in law enforcement for 28 years and investigated the incident.

"I¹ve never run across a personality like this,: he said. "I've never seen this type of behavior before."

Being that he's a law enforcement officer in Wisconsin, I'm calling B.S.

Court records show Hathaway has faced other charges involving weapons violations and lewd behavior prior to the horse killing in December 2004 and the most recent charge.

In February 2004, he pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of endangering safety by use of a dangerous weapon, stemming from an incident in October 2003.

According to testimony given during a preliminary examination to determine if felony charges were warranted, a Superior teenager testified Hathaway threatened to kill him and three friends, and pulled out a big gun and loaded it.

Hathaway had been calling the boys names prior to that and had injured the teen by throwing a metal object at him, the teen said.

In May 2004, City Attorney Frog Press [Wait, what? His name is "Frog Press"? That can't be real can it? - Eds.] filed a motion to admit information from Hathaway¹s juvenile record that included damage to property, disorderly conduct and lewd and lascivious behavior, while prosecuting Hathaway for disorderly conduct and malicious mischief.

Three days later, Hathaway pleaded no contest to the malicious mischief charge.

Creepiest dude in Wisconsin since Dahmer himself.

Dean Keyes: American Law Hottie

2006-10-11T12:59:00.000-05:00

Vergasy just pointed out that Dean Keyes has been nominated as one of America's Law School Dean Hotties.

Make sure you all vote for her. Vote Here.

Dean Keyes: Truly an American Law School Dean hottie.

P.S. If a faculty or staff member of the Univ. of Minn. law school is reading this page, please keep in mind this is all in fun. It's not a well-kept secret who we are and we don't want problems. Take it all as a compliment. A nice, politically-correct while not appearing all that politcally-correct, compliment.

Besides, it's not like we were the ones to nominate her (or were we No. 11?).

What? Really?

2006-09-27T22:17:00.000-05:00

So I stop by the U of MN Law School web page today and I see this...

Bush Administration + Expertise in Corporate Legal Ethics = Paradox.

On a related note - congratulations to the law school for landing quite a few solid professors and for bringing in a class that few of the DAAS'ers could get into (even though we all did quite well).

Just when you thought we couldn't kick Billy Mitchell's ass any more than we already were....

Penis Envy

2006-09-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

Thieves in New Zealand stole what?

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - Masked thieves armed with a chisel stole the penis of a wooden Maori figurine, or tiki, at the entrance of a public library in northern New Zealand, police said.

Security cameras captured pictures of three masked men using the chisel to remove the tiki's penis early on Sunday morning. The figurine is one of two indigenous Maori designs that stand on "pou" or posts astride the entrance to the library in Whangarei.

Carver Kerry Strongman said the theft had damaged the "mana" or pride of the city. Strongman said he would begin work immediately on a carving that would restore the tiki to its original state.

Police said they were at a loss to explain the theft, particularly as a nearby statue of Tangaroa, the Maori god of the sea, was better endowed.

My guess is that this was the only way the thieves could get wood.

Croc Hunter - Dead

2006-09-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

Well, we all knew it would happen at some point. Irwin finally put his thumb up the butts of too many animals. One finally got him.

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Steve Irwin, the quirky Australian naturalist who won worldwide acclaim as TV's khaki-clad "Crocodile Hunter," was killed by a stingray barb through the heart while filming a new documentary on Monday.

Irwin, 44, tangled with some of the world's most dangerous animals but he died in an extremely rare attack by a normally placid sea creature while he was diving on a reef off Port Douglas in northern Queensland.

"He came over the top of a stingray and the stingray's barb went up and went into his chest and put a hole into his heart," Irwin's shocked manager John Stainton told reporters in Cairns, south of Port Douglas.

A helicopter rushed paramedics to nearby Low Isles where Irwin was taken for treatment, but he was dead before they arrived, emergency officials said. "It became clear fairly soon that he had non-survivable injuries," Dr. Ed O'Loughlin, who treated Irwin, told Nine Network television. "He had a penetrating injury to the left front of his chest. He had lost his pulse and wasn't breathing," he said.

Irwin's death was likely only the third recorded fatal stingray attack in Australia, experts said. They said stingray venom was agonizingly painful but not lethal, although the barb was capable of causing horrific injuries like a knife or bayonet.

"It's not the going in, it's the coming out," Australian Venom Research Unit deputy director Dr Bryan Fry told Reuters. "They have these deep serrations which tear and render the flesh as it comes out," he said.

Killed by a stingray? You mean one of those wussy animals that you can pet at zoos and acquariums? An f-ing stingray?

What's next? Is Ralph Machio going to take Chuck Norris out in a karate match? Is Arnold Schwarzenegger going to have an aneurysm while curling twenty-five pound weights? Is Aqua Man going to drown in the bath tub?

So there you have it.

Steve Irwin 1,065,923
Animals 1

Didn't do much better than Toonces

2006-09-03T14:17:00.000-05:00

Dogs don't drive cars. Don't bother trying to teach them. Bad things will happen.

A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday. No injuries were reported although both vehicles were slightly damaged, it said.

The woman, identified only be her surname, Li, said her dog "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive," according to Xinhua.

"She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake," the report said. "They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car."

Xinhua did not say what kind of dog or vehicles were involved but Li paid for repairs.

Jesus Christ people. What goes through your head when you figure you'd let the dog drive?

Coulter get Owned.

2006-09-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

What happens when you replace Alan Colmes with someone with a backbone who's not afraid of horse-faced blowhards with a man's adam's apple?

Coulter gets owned.

The guy said it best. It looks like someone has found Coulter's cryptonite: Reason.

SiaT - Snake in a Theater

2006-09-01T08:07:00.000-05:00

While none of us got a chance to write about it, the DAAS crew (less Vergasy) got together and went to see SoaP last week. Let's just say that it was everything as promised.

Well, in a follow up (and something you KNEW would happen), we've got a Snake in a Theater.

Two live diamondback rattlesnakes were released in an Arizona movie theater during a showing of the new film "Snakes on a Plane," according to Local 6 News.

Authorities said pranksters released the young venomous rattlesnakes in a dark theater at the AMC Desert Ridge near Tatum and Loop 101 in Phoenix. The two snakes caused a panic in the dark theater, according to the report.

"That to me is very scary," herpetological association representative Tom Whiting said. "I would hate to be watching a movie about snakes and have a rattlesnake bite me."

Wranglers were called to collect the snakes, the report said. No one was injured in the incident and, so far, the culprits have not been caught.

Officials believe the snakes were smuggled into the theater in backpacks. "This thing is under someone's chair and they go to sit and they just push your foot in the air and startle it -- obviously all they got to do is startle this thing," Phoenix Herpetological Society spokesman Daniel Marchand said. "It's dark. They can't see you, you know that well. If it's scared, boom it strikes."

The snakes were released into the desert.

There are so many crappy lines from that movie that would work perfect here.

Get these muthafuckin' snakes out of my muthafuckin' theater!!!

I'll stick with the footie ones, thank you.

2006-09-01T08:04:00.000-05:00

What do crazy Christians wear to bed? That's easy. These.

Wow. If I were Jesus, I'd start throwing lightning bolts on all of those who make me look so damn dorky.

Hey Ya

2006-09-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

I thought the original was good, but this may even be better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.....

2006-08-31T21:23:00.000-05:00

We're coming. Just hold on. We're all working on transitioning from being students to being professionals. That and reception site searching cuts into valuable DAAS time.

Is YOUR school this nutritious?

2006-08-30T21:29:00.000-05:00

Buckeye Heroes, the newest university-licensed food, will be available in grocery stores before No. 1 Ohio State opens its season Saturday against Northern Illinois at Ohio Stadium.

The box of honey-nut-flavored toasted oats features three mascots -- former Buckeyes linebackers and current NFL rookies A.J. Hawk, Bobby Carpenter, and Anthony Schlegel.

"We couldn't make them 'block Os,' so we made them Os," said Rick Van Brimmer, director of trademark and licensing services at Ohio State.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=2566052

It's Official!!!!

2006-08-20T19:20:00.000-05:00

It's official. We can now officially call her "Future Mrs. Prof. S."

We were engaged on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 on top of Lutsen Mountain, just outside of Grand Marais, Minnesota.

A special thanks to Betsy from East Bay Suites, who helped me set up a couple of special touches.

Oh, here's the answer to the question all of you girls are asking.

Was he attacked by monkeys?

2006-08-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

It what can only be described as one of the more interesting crimes I've seen, since when do people attack other people with poop?

BERLIN (Reuters) - Thieves in Germany stole 7,500 euros ($9,554) from a man by throwing feces at him from behind and then pick-pocketing him while they pretended to help clean up the mess, authorities said Monday.

After withdrawing 8,000 euros from a bank for a holiday the man was struck in the back of the neck by what he described as human feces, police in the central town of Giessen said.

"Immediately afterwards two large women came up to him from behind and claimed they had seen someone excreting down onto the street from above," police said in a statement.

The two women then began briskly wiping the filth from the man's clothing with paper towels they had with them. They were soon joined by a third man, who also came bearing paper towels.

Only when the man went to take his foul-smelling trousers to cleaners did he notice that 7,500 euros had been taken from his back pocket by one of the would-be helpers, police said.

Has this guy not heard of a credit card? Maybe you'd like to to look into that whole traveler's checks idea (if they even still make them).

I think I might be willing to throw some poop for 7,500 Euros.

The only restaurant endorsed by Chuck Norris.

2006-08-15T08:58:00.000-05:00

Tough day at work? Kids got you down? Well, why not head down to "The Rising Star Anger Release Bar"!!!

Yes, that's right, The Rising Star Anger Release Bar is the only bar where you can feel free to smash glasses, shout and scream, and kick the crap out of your waiters.

The bar employs 20 well-built men in their 20s and 30s who have agreed to be hit. Customers can specify how they want the men to appear -- they can even be dressed up as women, the China Daily said.

The bar charges 50 to 300 yuan (6.35 to 37.50 US dollars) for customers to release their anger, depending on their demands.

And for all of you whinny pussies out there who can't handle a good ass-whuppin' now and then, we've heard what you've said...

Wu insisted the models were fully equipped with protective gear, and the bar gave them regular physical training so they were prepared for the attacks.

The bar has stirred controversy, with some critics interviewed by the China Daily saying that while the idea of beating someone dressed as one's boss might be attractive to some people, violence will not solve problems.

And if you're annoyed at these little pussies as much as we are, you'll love our new special - 2 for 1's on all requests to dress up like American suburbanites and hippies!!

So if you want to vent your frustration or just feel like slapping the shit out of your boss without that whole awkard water cooler moment, comeon on down to The Rising Star Anger Release Bar - The only bar that receives the Chuck Norris Round House Kick of Approval!!!

Eighty-Eight and still going strong.

2006-08-15T08:49:00.000-05:00

A lot of people asked me why we didn't put the story about Norm Coleman's father on the page. I mean, how often does an 81 year old man get to nail a 38 year old in a car outside of a pizzeria?

Well, I'll tell you why - because we can beat it.

An 88-year-old Indian farmer has become one of the oldest men ever to become a dad. Virmaram Jat has been trying for a son for 60 years. The mother is his third wife Gammo Devi, 45 years his junior.

Virmaram, who already has a daughter of 16, lives in a remote mud hut in India with his family and tends cattle, goats and camels.

According to the Sun he said: "I am a farmer with simple needs. I have intercourse daily and the best time is between 2am and 4am. "I will try to have more children. It is up to God whether he blesses me. I don't want to live for 100 years but my desire is that as long as I live, I enjoy my sexual life."

Virmaram's 85-year-old first wife, who still lives with him, helped choose the mum and assisted at the birth. His nephew, 60, has vowed to raise the boy when he dies. The world's oldest recorded dad was Aussie Les Colley, who was 92.

So which "blessing" would you choose:

1.) Living in America, with a nice house, and a normal sex life.

2.) Living in a mud hut, banging chicks daily into your 80's while your ex-wife helps you find younger girls.

One question: When can I move in? As Chris Rock said, men would live in a cardboard box if they could still get some.

What you think this is? Halloween?

2006-08-15T08:45:00.000-05:00

What kind of dick decides to feed a dog meat loaded with pins?

NEW YORK - A dog out on a walk with his owner ate a piece of meat studded with metal pins, and officials said they were investigating the incident.

The dog, a 6-year-old Labrador retriever named Milo, was walking with owner Martha Redding in Central Park on Wednesday when he grabbed a brown bag wrapped with ribbon and started to eat what was inside. "I pulled it out of his mouth and pulled it away," said Redding, 38. "I picked up the meat to throw it away and it was full of pins."

Redding took Milo to a veterinarian, who fed him three cans of dog food and induced the dog to vomit, safely removing the pins. The Labrador had swallowed at least 30 pins, some of which were 3 inches long.

Joseph Pentangelo, a special agent for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said the agency is investigating. "It certainly is a crime," he said. "No reasonable person could commit an act like this and think it wouldn't be harmful to an animal."

Meanwhile, Milo was recovering at home. "He's a real New York dog," Redding said.

Of course, by "a real New York dog," Redding means that it is arrogant, rude, and is convinced that the entire world rotates around that city.

Seiously though, who puts pins in meat for dogs? Candy for those annoying trailer park kids, that's one thing? But a dog? A-hole.

They call it "the bar" for a reason.

2006-08-15T08:35:00.000-05:00

I guess we all have to stop drinking, now that we actually are going to be lawyers.

Judge: Lawyer Too Intoxicated To Argue Case
A judge ordered a blood-alcohol test for a defense lawyer whom she said smelled of alcohol, then declared a mistrial after declaring him too tipsy to argue a kidnapping case.

"I don't think you can tell a straight story because you are intoxicated," Clark County District Judge Michelle Leavitt told defense lawyer Joseph Caramango as she declared a mistrial for Caramango's client, Dale Jakuchunas.

Caramango told the Las Vegas Review-Journal for a Tuesday report that he was not drunk, and had been ready to go forward with witness testimony. Jakuchunas, 32, faces life in prison if convicted.

"I've always considered myself the consummate professional," Caramango said. "I take all my cases very personally." He said he received a head injury in a rear-end car crash while driving to court on Thursday, but that police were not called. Caramango did not immediately respond Tuesday to a message seeking comment.

In an exchange recorded by courtroom video, Caramango arrived about 90 minutes late for trial, and can be heard slurring his words. The judge asked if something was wrong, and said she became suspicious when details of Caramango's accident account varied.

Caramango also identified a woman who accompanied him to court as his ex-girlfriend, and called her Christine. Questioned by the judge, the woman identified herself as Josephine and said she just met Caramango about 20 minutes earlier at a nearby bar and grill.

Well, for the right price in Vegas, I'm guessing you can call her whatever you feel like, me boy. Either way, this isn't going well at this point.

Leavitt summoned Caramango and prosecutors into her chambers and ordered Caramango to be examined by a courthouse nurse. The nurse told the judge that Caramango said he had shots of tequila hours before court. Caramango acknowledged in court that he was drinking the previous night, but maintained he was not drunk.

Leavitt ordered Caramango to take a breath test in court, then declared a mistrial. "For the record," the judge said, "your blood-alcohol content is .075." The legal blood-alcohol limit for drivers in Nevada is 0.08 percent.

Leavitt did not hold Caramango in contempt of court, and it was not immediately clear whether he will face discipline from the State Bar of Nevada.

Nice. This guy shows up hammered, late for trial, has some random girl who he doesn't know (or want to reveal the name of), and "it was not immediately clear whether he wil face discipline."

You have got to love a profession where the "ethics" test is a 2 hour multiple choice exam (at least in most states, right Vergasy).

This just in: High School Now Sucking More

2006-08-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

Either that or more high school students are trying to imitate Prof. S.'s high school years.

Fewer High School Students Having Sex: Down from 54.1% to 46.8%

Actually, the most alarming stat is that the number of students who say they used a condom the last time they had intercourse rose to 62.8 percent in 2005 from 46.2 percent in 1991, the survey said. I mean, that's great that it's now at 62%, but WTF's wrong with the other 38%? Where the fuck have they been? Christian districts?

It was around here somewhere.

2006-08-15T08:23:00.000-05:00

In its continuing effort to see its funding cut and to remain the laughing stock of the bloated and expensive government programs, NASA announced this week that it "lost" the Neil Armstrong tape.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. government has misplaced the original recording of the first moon landing, including astronaut Neil Armstrong's famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," a NASA spokesman said on Monday.

Armstrong's famous space walk, seen by millions of viewers on July 20, 1969, is among transmissions that NASA has failed to turn up in a year of searching, spokesman Grey Hautaloma said. "We haven't seen them for quite a while. We've been looking for over a year and they haven't turned up," Hautaloma said.

The tapes also contain data about the health of the astronauts and the condition of the spacecraft. In all, some 700 boxes of transmissions from the Apollo lunar missions are missing, he said.

"I wouldn't say we're worried -- we've got all the data. Everything on the tapes we have in one form or another," Hautaloma said.

NASA has retained copies of the television broadcasts and offers several clips on its Web site. But those images are of lower quality than the originals stored on the missing magnetic tapes.

Because NASA's equipment was not compatible with TV technology of the day, the original transmissions had to be displayed on a monitor and re-shot by a TV camera for broadcast. Hautaloma said it is possible the tapes will be unplayable even if they are found, because they have degraded significantly over the years -- a problem common to magnetic tape and other types of recordable media.

The material was held by the National Archives but returned to NASA sometime in the late 1970s, he said. "We're looking for paperwork to see where they last were," he said.

WTF? These guys are handling these things with less care than I handle my videos from the 1996 football season (and yes, I do still have that tape, and yes, I thought about watching it recently, and no, I'm not like that guy from Napoleon Dynamite, and no, I don't know where my 1995 season is, and yes, this does annoy me).

Probably dubbed over it while recording the TV broadcast of Armageddon.

They're worth more than free drinks!

2006-08-15T08:19:00.000-05:00

Who said that boob jobs are just for vanity? They can save you life.

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday.

Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old's heart. "She was saved from death," said a spokesman for Nahariya Hospital in northern Israel. The woman has been released from hospital.

Of course you know what this means guys? It means that you are not, in fact, a shallow sexist ass for asking your girl to move up a few cup sizes. You're simply helping defeat the terrorists.

I mean, are you with the boobs or are you with the terrorists?

I.E.D. - Idiot's Exploding Device

2006-08-15T08:16:00.000-05:00

How does one open a grenade? Well, I'm not quite sure, but apparently not with a sledge hammer.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - A Brazilian man died Tuesday when he tried to open what police believe was a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer in a mechanical workshop on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro.

Another man who was in the workshop at the time of the explosion was rushed to a hospital with severe burns, a police officer told Reuters. The workshop was destroyed and several cars parked outside caught fire.

Police found several unexploded army issue rocket-propelled grenades in the workshop. They believe the ammunition had been brought there by scavengers wanting to sell them as scrap metal, but they also are investigating a possible link to Rio's heavily armed drug gangs who often raid military bases.

Combining Cult Classics

2006-08-08T17:19:00.000-05:00

What do you get when you combine Snakes on a Plane with other internet cult classics? Answer: THIS.

Ehhh. A bit too much for me.

Manbearpig.

2006-08-05T18:17:00.000-05:00

Al Gore warned us. Manbearpig found in Oklahoma.

Two reports of sightings of the so-called [Manbearpig] in southeastern Oklahoma has drawn a team of experts to the region. The team led by Thomas Biscardi of Menlo Park, California, is in the Atoka County town of Caney to talk with Jackie Marlow and to Morgan and Garrett Whatley and to look for what he calls Bigfoot.

Marlow and the Whatley's each reported seeing the creature just days apart about two weeks ago in and around the town of Caney. Biscardi has spent 33 years in search of Bigfoot and says he didn't travel 23-hundred miles for nothing.

A local legend is getting new life. In the last two weeks, there were three separate [Manbearpig] sightings in rural Atoka County. The final sighting included photos that some say is the mysterious creature itself.

Talk to people around Clear Boggy Creek in Atoka County and you will hear thousands of stories. But last week, the legend himself, [Manbearpig], was supposedly spotted in those very woods.

They have grown up on these woods and know them well. But last week, 13-year-old Morgan Whatley and her 12-year-old brother Garrett came across something strange right across the creek was a creature she'd never seen before.

But the claims of the Whatley kids were passed off as a child's imagination. That changed just days later when a woman in her fifties had to be taken to a hospital. She reported seeing a big hairy creature in her yard and had an anxiety attack.

It's all over the newspaper and on everyone's mind; what was seen at boggy bottom? Some people say it is Bigfoot. Others aren't believers yet. A local store owner set up game cameras hoping to catch a glimpse. The pictures are below. [See their website if you'd like. - Eds.] We'll let you be the judge.

Ouch. Just... ouch.

2006-08-05T18:14:00.000-05:00

F-that.

Deckchair trapped testicles
A Croatian man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deck chair and found his testicles had got stuck. Mario Visnjic had gone swimming naked in the sea at the Valalta beach in western Croatia, reports 24sata.

His testicles had shrunk while in the cool sea [Bwahahahaha!!! - Eds.] and slipped through the wooden slats when he sat back down on his wooden deckchair. But as he lay in the sun they expanded back to normal size and got stuck between the slats.

He was eventually freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deck chair in half.

I don't even know what to say. Quite a pinch he got himself in there.

A religion with more child trouble than the Catholics.

2006-08-05T18:09:00.000-05:00

I cease to be amazed at the number of sick bastards that are out there. The latest: A guy claiming that he had to molest children as a part of his religion.

Tutor says sex assaults are sacred ritual
'I am a pedophile,' says man acting as own lawyer
CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) -- A man accused of sexually assaulting nine boys with physical or mental disabilities told a judge that having sex with children is a sacred ritual protected by civil rights laws.

Phillip Distasio, who said he is the leader of a church called Arcadian Fields Ministries, represented himself at his pretrial hearing Wednesday. He is charged with 74 counts including rape, pandering obscenity to minors and corrupting another with drugs.

"I'm a pedophile. I've been a pedophile for 20 years," he said in Cuyahoga County Common Pleas Court Wednesday. "The only reason I'm charged with rape is that no one believes a child can consent to sex. The role of my ministry is to get these cases out of the courtrooms."

Distasio said some of his congregants are among the victims in this case. Distaciois accused of molesting two disabled boys he tutored at his home and raping seven autistic boys at a Cleveland school for special-needs students where he was a teacher's aide. All but one of the victims were under 13. A conviction on rape counts involving any of the eight younger boys would mean an automatic sentence of life in prison without parole eligibility, prosecutors said.

Distasio tried unsuccessfully in June to fire his court-appointed lawyer because he wouldn't pursue a religious freedom defense. Distasio could represent himself if the attorney remained as an adviser, Judge Kathleen Sutula said.

Well, he's got the right degree of slime to be a good attorney.

Enjoy prison you sick bastard.

England's Great Circle Jerk

2006-08-05T17:58:00.000-05:00

Want ot raise money? Why not have public sex acts?

LONDON (Reuters) - Hundreds of Britons are being urged to attend what is being branded as Europe's first "Masturbate-a-thon", a leading reproductive healthcare charity said on Friday.

Marie Stopes International, which is hosting the event with HIV/AIDS charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, said it expected up to 200 people to attend the sponsored masturbation session in Clerkenwell, central London, on Saturday.

"It is a bit of a publicity stunt but we hope it will raise awareness," a Marie Stopes spokeswoman told Reuters. "We want to get people talking about safer sex, masturbation and to lift taboos."

Really? We need to "raise awareness" about masturbation? Really? Who the hell isn't aware of masturbation? Seriously? I think we've all got that one down.

Participants, who have to be over 18, can bring any aids they need and can take part in four different rooms -- a comfort area, a mixed area, along with men and women only areas.

Rumor has it there's a piece of toast in the middle of the guys' room and the last.... well, nevermind.

Honestly though, I'll take the mixed room, thank you. Not a big fan of standing in the middle of 50 guys jerkin' it.

However, the rules on the event's Web site states there can be no touching of other participants nor are people allowed to fake orgasms.

Well, of course no touching. Then it wouldn't be masturbation. It would be Las Vegas.

"The amount you raise will be determined by how many minutes you masturbate and/or how many orgasms you achieve," the Web site said.

They also took a lesson from golf tournaments and have a "long drive," "closest to the hole," and award for fewest strokes.

The Marie Stopes spokeswoman said local religious groups had been initially outraged, but after people had heard what the event was about, most had approved it. Police had also given it their approval.

Similar events have been staged in San Francisco for the last six years raising $25,000 (13,000 pounds) for women's health initiatives and HIV prevention. If successful, Marie Stopes said it could take place elsewhere in mainland Europe next year.

Now that No. 11 has a serious girlfriend, these stories aren't quite as fun.

Seriously though, I'd hate to be a squeegee guy in London this week.

We said "don't try this at home."

2006-08-05T17:55:00.000-05:00

Here you thought that stupid warning was for the kids. Well, we don't need the story here. Just know it involves alcohol, a sword swallowing routine, and a prime cadidate for the DAAS website.

More Nunchucks Fun

2006-08-05T17:47:00.000-05:00

Pretty much anything with nunchucks is worth mentioning.

DAVENPORT, Iowa (AP) - A man was charged after police say he threatened a detective with nunchuks. McCory J. Slemmons, 26, of Davenport, was charged Wednesday with assault while displaying a dangerous weapon and public intoxication.

The detective was monitoring an area where officers were looking for a robbery suspect early Wednesday morning when Slemmons approached him and accused the detective of "looking at his wife," court documents said.

Slemmons then challenged the detective to a fight and pulled out nunchuks, police records show. The detective arrested Slemmons, who later admitted during a police interview that had been drinking vodka and beer, records show.

Alcohol was involved? Get out.

Quotas? What quotas?

2006-08-05T17:42:00.000-05:00

Yeah, all you cops said you didn't have them. We said BS. And we're right.

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) -- Charlotte-Mecklenburg police supervisors offered prizes to officers who wrote the most traffic tickets during an eight-day period over the July Fourth holiday.

Five officers from the department's North Division earned $10 gift certificates to Dick's Sporting Goods, although officials Wednesday couldn't say how many tickets were issued between July 1-8.

Police Chief Darrel Stephens and Maj. John Diggs, who oversees the division, said they were not aware of the contest until they were contacted Wednesday by The Charlotte Observer.

"I don't think there is anything inherently evil or bad about rewarding officers for putting in extra effort for a good cause," Diggs said. "I don't want anybody getting a ticket when they shouldn't get one. But I think they were all valid. I don't think anybody is overly inspired by a $10 gift certificate."

In a memo obtained by The Observer, Sgt. Mark Faulkenberry told other officers that the goal of the campaign was to make roads safer. "I am asking each of you to issue as many citations as possible during that week in an effort to increase visibility, slow down speeders, and keep our streets more safe through traffic enforcement," Faulkenberry wrote. "The highest producer from each shift will receive a gift certificate from Dick's."

But George Laughrun, a local defense attorney, said ticketing should not be a game. "It goes to credibility," Laughrun said. "I know it's $10, but it's the principle of the thing."

Well, "Dicks" sounds like a fitting place for them to get gift certificates.

I don't think counseling can help this one.

2006-08-01T20:22:00.000-05:00

Something tells me that this relationship is over. O-V-E-R, over.

Man Charged with Setting Girlfriend Aflame
HYATTSVILLE, Md. - A man was charged early Saturday with an attack on his girlfriend that left her with second- and third-degree burns on her upper body.

Anthony Willoughby, 40, of Hyattsville, was taken into custody at the home of a friend, less than two miles away from his home after he contacted police to arrange his surrender.

Willoughby was charged with attempted murder, assault and malicious burning in connection with injuries suffered by his 39-year-old girlfriend. Prince George's County police said the couple was at Willoughby's home early Saturday when they apparently had an argument.

Police said that around 2 a.m., the dispute escalated and the woman was burned.

"Once she was doused with the gasoline and set on fire, she ran from that location to her home," less than a half mile away, said Cpl. Clinton Copeland, a police spokesman. Police and emergency medical technicians responded to a 911 call placed from the woman's home. She was taken to Washington Hospital Center in the District of Columbia for treatment of her injuries.

Police first went to Willoughby's home before they were notified of his whereabouts. "We were called to the friend's house," Copeland said. The woman has not been identified because she is an alleged crime victim. [I don't think it's alleged after your body is covered with second and third degree burns. I'm pretty sure they can go ahead and say she was a crime victim. - Eds.] Willoughby was being held at the Prince George's County Detention Center.

Well, at least he had to pay a price. I mean, dousing someone with gasoline isn't cheap these days.

As Chris Rock said it:

You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control.

Man, we need to control the bullets,that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000 there'd be no more innocent bystanders. That'd be it.

Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, "Damn, he must have did something. Shit, they put $30,000 worth of bullets in his ass."

People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5000. Man, I would blow your fucking head off, if l could afford it. I'm gonna get me another job, I'm gonna start saving some money...and you're a dead man. You better hope I can't get no bullets on layaway."

Seriously though, how f'd up do you need to be before you toss gas on someone and light them on fire. Hope someone is making him their prison bitch right this minute.

Virgin or Not?

2006-08-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

I'm going to go with Virgin.

Watch in sequence.

2006-08-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm a little short of material these days, so here's a dancing Hitler.

And here's a live performance of the catchy Finnish song underneath.

It's official. We've all taken the Bar.

2006-07-27T18:46:00.000-05:00

So, after two months of less posting and complaining about BarBri, I'm happy to report that we have all gotten through the bar exam.

Scores due in October.

Just throw it some popcorn and it will go away.

2006-07-27T18:34:00.000-05:00

Are we sure this didn't happen in France? There's no other way to explain such a quick retreat.

Squirrels force couple to flee home
An elderly German couple were forced out of their home when a family of squirrels moved in and chased them off.

Heinz Steinhaeuser and his wife Brunhilde, from Verden in Lower Saxony, were kept out of their house for almost two hours. They eventually had to call the fire brigade to reclaim their home from the squirrel pair and their three offsrping.

Steinhaeuser said the family of squirrels had slipped into the house when he went outside to pick up his newspaper and had chased his wife out. When firemen arrived the squirrels hid in the bed and other furniture before the five officers were able to catch them one-by-one, often by dismantling much of the furniture to corner the animals individually.

Hey man, get the F- out. This is my house now.

Doors up

2006-07-27T18:30:00.000-05:00

Exactly how does this work?

An anonymous Merseyside man who had an implant to "help with erection problems" has found he becomes uncontrollably aroused every time his neighbour pulls up in his 4X4, the Scottish Daily Record reports.

The spontaneous hardening is due not to a Liverpudlian all-terrain fetish, but rather to the car owner's garage door remote which, well, here's a transcript of the conversation the poor chap had with BBC Radio Merseyside host Roger Phillips when he rather splendidly chose to share his woes with the world:

CALLER: I had a problem with impotence and I had an operation in Turkey and got an implant which would help.

HOST: I know the sort of thing.

CALLER: But what is happening now is every time my neighbour comes back in their 4 x 4, I get an erection.

HOST: Good Lord.

CALLER: This is embarrassing. It's a big problem.

HOST: Have you been to see your doctor about it?

CALLER: The problem is I had this done in Turkey, using equipment that is not known in this country. I don't like it because every time his car pulls in I can't leave the house.

HOST: (Laughing) I'm afraid that it sounds funny as well. I know it's not funny for you.

CALLER: It's not funny for me, Roger, when I can't leave the house because I'm walking around with a big erection.

HOST: You're going to have to go and see a doctor.

This can't be real, can it?

Where Heroin Shiek and Heroin Meet

2006-07-27T18:27:00.000-05:00

Afhanistan decided to have its first fashion show. You didn't miss anything.

A model displays an Afghan burqa designed by Gabriella Ghidoni and Zolaykha Sherzad during Afghanistan's first fashion show in years, held at a luxury hotel in the capital Kabul on July 8, 2006. Picture taken July 8, 2006.

While you can't tell it here, she still had that bitchy look on her face.

Now they tell me.

2006-07-20T18:17:00.000-05:00

From the "Well no shit" desk....

Today, less than a week before the bar exam, I get a letter informing me that I'm a member of a class action suit against BarBri for antitrust violations.

Wha? BarBri is a monopoly? Get the F-out.

Although, I do think it's funny that the class members - who are likely all attorneys now - are putting their BarBri education to good use.

Check it out at www.barbri-classaction.com.

Not since the '91 World Series have I rooted for one side this much.

Another weird internet song

2006-07-20T09:03:00.000-05:00

What the hell? Who comes up with these?

Here's another weird ass song you can get stuck in your head.

Try studying for the bar with that in your head.

Joys of Telemarketing

2006-07-17T09:39:00.000-05:00

Wow, this bitch is CRAZY. It's NSFW (language), but you have GOT to listen to this.

Still twice as smart as the people who buy this crap.

2006-07-15T21:01:00.000-05:00

Seriously? I mean, seriously?

It's a damn horse.

2006-07-14T21:47:00.000-05:00

You can e-mail get well wishes to Barbaro.

Seriously people. It's a horse. It doesn't read.

Honestly, what is wrong with people.

Here's one for you...

Dear Barbaro,

Say hi to Elmer.

Love, DAAS.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

2006-07-14T18:41:00.000-05:00

Posts that contain Rapture Israel per day for the last 30 days.

Yeah, because Israel hasn't been fighting wars since 1948.

...not to mention the wars that have taken place there for the thousands of years before that.

However, I'm going to be seriously pissed if I did spend my last days trapped listening to BarBri.

What happened?

2006-07-14T09:23:00.000-05:00

Bitter Stephanie didn't have a Lay Coronary did she?

OCC - Ambiguously Gay Duo?

2006-07-12T10:38:00.000-05:00

Hey, OCC guys, next time you send me an advertisment, could you come out with something a bit more manly than this?

Seriously, who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

Damn thing looks like a Abercrombie and Fitch ad.

Teach 'em young.

2006-07-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

Odds are that the parents of these kids listen to 1280 The Patriot daily.

All so we can keep a well armed militia.

Wurdz R Hard

2006-07-10T00:24:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that countless generations before us have seemingly managed without a problem, advocates are now pushing for simpler spellings.

WASHINGTON -- When "say," "they" and "weigh" rhyme, but "bomb," "comb" and "tomb" don't, wuudn't it maek mor sens to spel wurdz the wae thae sound?
Those in favor of simplified spelling say children would learn faster and illiteracy rates wo.....

No, you know what, I'm not going to quote this story go read it if you want. Basically it just talks about all of the whining about how English is so hard and doesn't make sense etc.

You know, I would have quoted the story here if it weren't for the fact that entire passages look like some 14 year old girl text messaged it in. Take a look at this crap...

Thae sae th bee selebraets th ability of a fue stoodents to master a dificult sistem that stumps meny utherz hoo cuud do just as wel if speling were simpler.

Who the fuck can even read that crap? I get to "selebraets" and want to light my hair on fire.

Look kids, instead of changing the langauge, how 'bout you all just quit being so f-ing dumb.

How about "Fat Fucking Kids"?

2006-07-06T23:49:00.000-05:00

Oh, everyone gather around and listen to the little violin. It's playing a sad, sad song for fat kids who shouldn't be called "obese."

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Is it OK for doctors and parents to tell children and teens they're fat? That seems to be at the heart of a debate over whether to replace the fuzzy language favored by the U.S. government with the painful truth -- if kids are obese or overweight, telling them.

Labeling a child obese might "run the risk of making them angry, making the family angry," but it addresses a serious issue head-on, said Dr. Reginald Washington, a Denver pediatrician and co-chair of an American Academy of Pediatrics obesity task force.

Okay, okay, okay. I need to stop right here.

First, let me say that my commentary here will be from one fat kid to another. Now, I know what you're all saying, "But Prof. S., you're in good shape. You're not fat." Yeah, I know that. I'm not saying I'm still a fat kid, but I certainly grew up as one. And one thing you learn early on is that once you're a fat kid, you'll always have a fat kid mentality. But I digress...

Does anyone think that it's the friggin' label that makes kids "angry"? Hell no. I was pretty damn angry about being fat and no doctor ever told me what we all knew the truth was. Trust me, buying "husky" jeans (which I managed to avoid most of the time, even though my brother wasn't nearly as lucky), the name calling, the being picked late in games, the having no dates (although future Mrs. Prof. S. will tell you that it was my look in high school, not my weight), and so on and so forth that did a pretty damn good job with it.

Do you "experts" honestly believe that it's the medical label that pisses them off? Get a clue.

"If that same person came into your office and had cancer, or was anemic, or had an ear infection, would we be having the same conversation? There are a thousand reasons why this obesity epidemic is so out of control, and one of them is no one wants to talk about it."

The diplomatic approach adopted by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and used by many doctors avoids the word "obese" because of the stigma. The CDC also calls overweight kids "at risk of overweight."

AT RISK?!?!?! AT RISK?!?!?! They're ALREADY FAT!!!! They aren't at risk of being fat. They are fat. That's like saying Ken Lay is at risk for ~~suicide~~ a heart attack. He's not at risk. He's had the damn thing.

I do think the quote above is right though. If someone had cancer, would we say that the person was "at risk of developing a malignant tumor"? No. We'd say they have cancer!!! Well, same thing here. These kids are presently obese.

Those favoring a change say the current terms encourage denial of a problem affecting increasing numbers of U.S. youngsters. Under a proposal studied by a committee of the American Medical Association, the CDC and others, fat children would get the same labels as adults -- overweight or obese.

The change "would certainly make sense. It would bring the U.S. in line with the rest of the world," said Tim Cole, a professor of medical statistics at the University College London's Institute of Child Health.

The existing categories are convoluted and "rather ironic, since the U.S. leads the world in terms of obesity," Cole said. "There must be an element of political correctness."

The debate illustrates just how touchy the nation is about its weight problem. Obese "sounds mean. It doesn't sound good," said Trisha Leu, 17, who thinks the proposed change is a bad idea. The Wheeling, Illinois, teen has lost 60 pounds since March as part of an adolescent obesity surgery study at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

"When you're young, you don't understand what obese means," Leu said. "I still don't understand it."

Look at the mirror. BAM! Now you have your definition.

And this does get me off onto another tangent. I'm getting really sick of parents (none of whom are that small themselves) trucking their kids into the hospital for a major surgery such as this - especially considering that (a) the effect of the surgery (changed diet) could be done on their own, (b) it does not go to the root of the problem, which is an imbalance of calorie intake and output, and (c) is the cheating way out.

The CDC adopted the current terms in 1998, using weight-to-height ratios and growth charts from a generation of children much slimmer than today's. Children are said to be "at risk for overweight" if their body-mass index is between the 85th and 94th percentiles. They're "overweight" if their body-mass index is in the 95th percentile or higher -- or greater than at least 95 percent of youngsters the same age and gender.

Well, when you consider the size of today's youth, I think it's high time we go ahead an knock that down a bit. If you're at the 95th percentile these days -- well, you're ripe for an appearance on the Maury show.

Many pediatricians understand the first category to mean "overweight" and the second one to mean "obese," said the CDC's Dr. William Dietz. He said the word "obese" was purposely avoided because of negative connotations but conceded that many pediatricians find the current language confusing.

Adding to the confusion is the fact that about 17 percent of U.S. children are in the highest category, and that almost 34 percent are in the second-highest category. That sounds like a mathematical impossibility, but it's because the percentiles are based on growth charts from the 1960s and 1970s, when far fewer kids were too fat.

In children, determining excess weight is tricky, partly because of rapid growth -- especially in adolescence -- that can sometimes temporarily result in a high body-mass index.

For children in at least the 95th percentile, high BMI "is almost invariably excess fat," Dietz said. But there's less certainty about those in the second-highest category. So to avoid mislabeling and "traumatizing" kids, the CDC chose to be diplomatic, Dietz said.

Again, the damn label wasn't what was traumatizing. It was my complete lack of female attention.

The committee, set up by the American Medical Association, involves obesity experts from 14 professional organizations including the American Academy of Pediatrics. Their mission is to update recommendations for prevention, diagnosis and management of obesity in children. Final recommendations are expected in September, and the participating groups will decide individually whether to adopt them.

Dr. Ronald Davis, the AMA's president-elect, said it's unclear whether the expert committee can develop a consensus on the obesity terms. "There are seemingly legitimate arguments on both sides," said Davis, a preventive medicine specialist with Henry Ford Health System in Detroit.

No, there are valid points on one side, and a bunch of the same type of people who recommend not keeping score at little league games on the other.

Look, I understand the idea of trying to avoid hurting kids. I really do. But come one people. It's not fun having leukemia, but calling it "happy cells" isn't going to fix the damn problem. The sting isn't in the words you use, but in the image they create. And whether we call obese kids "obese," "tub-o-lards," "hefty," "husky," or "DAMN, that's one fat fucking kid!!" it isn't going to change the sting of what's going on.

Here's an idea for the CDC and all of the others involved. How about instead of spending our time and resrouces debating the label for the disease, we focus on treating the original cause. Let's spend our time figuring out how we can educate parents on proper nutrition or becomming more involved. Go a hell of a lot further than this waste of time.

HatTip: The newly titled Prof. Ex. I don't know, seemed fitting.

And, if you think I'm mean, just look at what Prof. Ex put on the link she sent to me...

This is crazy. If a kid is overweight why sugar coat it?

Sugar coat it? Subtle shot there, isn't it.... especially coming from a dietician who may actually have to use these terms....

Be careful what you wish for....

2006-07-06T16:53:00.000-05:00

...you just might get it.

After years of begging that she would get naked, our prayers are finally answered....

...unfortunately, now she looks like this.

Pregnant Britney Spears Poses Nude For Harper's
NEW YORK -- Pregnant pop princess Britney Spears is baring nearly all on the cover of Harper's Bazaar magazine.

The singer of "... Baby, One More Time" posed in the buff for the cover of the August issue; there's also a photo spread inside. On the cover, Spears, who is sitting, cups her breasts with her hands and crosses her legs while showing her protruding belly and smiling for the camera of lensman Alexi Lubomirski. "Nothing to wear?" a cover headline asks. "487 Best new ideas inside."

Spears revealed to late-night talk show host David Letterman last month that she was pregnant, confirming media reports and ending much speculation. The 24-year-old singer and her husband, Kevin Federline, have a son, Sean Preston, who was born last September.

Britney Spears - who proves that you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you'll never take the trailer park out of the girl.

Source

No, I said a BUD Light

2006-07-06T16:49:00.000-05:00

Anyone remember those commercials? Well, it would be a lot funnier after this story.

MULTAN, Pakistan (Reuters) - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus. Wednesday night, doctors brought Mohammad's misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object.

"Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else," Mohammad, a grey-beared man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern central city of Multan.

"We had to take it out intact," said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. "Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation."

Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there. "When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners."

The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.

Yeah, how'd that light bulb get in my ass? I wonder...

Seriously, does Mohammad think we're all that moronic that we don't know what really went on?

Look, I ain't here to judge. If light bulbs are you thing, fine. So long as you aren't touching kids, I couldn't care less. But if you're going to do it, at least man up and admit it. Don't try fooling us by saying it was the cops. We ain't buyin' it.

Vice President's War Medals Stolen

2006-06-30T13:14:00.000-05:00

Talk about ballsy? Someone busted into Cheney's private residence and stole his war medals.

What was the Secret Service up to that day?

What's wrong with this picture?

2006-06-28T21:01:00.000-05:00

Click here to figure it out.

A Generation of Pussies

2006-06-27T17:23:00.000-05:00

We're breading a generation of pussies.

'Not it!' More schools ban games at recess
Some traditional childhood games are disappearing from school playgrounds because educators say they're dangerous.
Elementary schools in Cheyenne, Wyo., and Spokane, Wash., banned tag at recess this year. Others, including a suburban Charleston, S.C., school, dumped contact sports such as soccer and touch football. In other cities, including Wichita; San Jose, Calif.; Beaverton, Ore.; and Rancho Santa Fe., Calif., schools took similar actions earlier.

The bans were passed in the name of safety, but some children's health advocates say limiting exercise and free play can inhibit a child's development. Groups such as the National School Boards Association don't keep statistics on school games.

But several experts, including Donna Thompson of the National Program for Playground Safety, verify the trend. Dodge ball has been out at some schools for years, but banning games such as tag and soccer is a newer development.

"It's happening more," Thompson says. Educators worry about "kids running into one another" and getting hurt, she says. In January, Freedom Elementary School in Cheyenne prohibited tag at recess because it "progresses easily into slapping and hitting and pushing instead of just touching," Principal Cindy Farwell says.

Contact sports were banned from recess at Charles Pinckney Elementary early this year, says Charleston County schools spokeswoman Mary Girault, because children suffered broken arms and dislocated fingers playing touch football and soccer.

Some schools that ban games at recess allow children to play them in gym class under supervision. Critics of the bans say playing freely helps kids learn to negotiate rules and resolve disputes.

"They learn to change and to problem-solve," says Rhonda Clements, an education professor at Manhattanville College.

Joe Frost, emeritus professor of early childhood education at the University of Texas-Austin, sees playground restrictions as harmful. "You're taking away the physical development of the children," he says. "Having time for play is essential for children to keep their weight under control."

Jesus Christ, how did I make it through this far into life? No bike helmets, playing tag at will, an original See-N-Saw with a ***GASP*** string! How did I make it?

Seriously though, why does this generation - what's becomming our generation - feel the need - dare I say compulsion - to remove the collective testicles from kids these days all in the name of "safety"?!?! At what point did we vote and decide to take a vote to remove ever last vestige of coolness and manliness that we feasibly could? My guess is that those of us who would stand up for a society with a bit of a backbone were out watching something cool - like an Ultimate Fighter marathon. Or maybe they had the vote in a secret location and told us that they were just going to hang out, watch Gilmore Girls, and talk about feelings.

You know what, maybe the terrorists ought to win. That's right, I said it. Maybe it's time we do just shut 'er down. You know, we've become big enough pussies that it's time to go back to the old days when we lived in caves and shot at one another for fun. Sure, it was more deadly, but I'd take the more dangerous than this white rice sissy fest that we're bringing our children into these days.

We take scores out of sports games because it will hurt feelings, give everyone special awards just for participating (instead of celebrating those who rise up), take away every activity that could be considered "dangerous" (by who I might ask), and take one big over-snip on the societal circumcision - leaving us a big eunuch of a society.

We're breeding a generation of slap-happy nutless sissies.

Manliness in danger of extinction

By Zach Parks

I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly.

I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym.

I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men.

Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass.

Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing vaginas.

It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am.

Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a caf and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing, scotch.

Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctor's ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness.

When manly men aren't eating pieces of shit like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette.

Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking.

Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.

Well said Zach Parks. Well said indeed.

Steven Seagal

2006-06-27T08:53:00.000-05:00

Musician.

A lapdance is so much better when the stripper is crying.

2006-06-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

How do you bring home the formula? Well, that's simple. One $1 bill at a time.

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Police said they busted Christie Swing for giving an impromptu show at an Oklahoma City bar. According to authorities, Swing was dancing nude on a table while her two kids waited in a car in a nearby parking lot.

Police Officer Taylor Shaw reported that he saw the children outside Charlie's Last Stand at almost 1 a.m. The children told the officer their parents were inside the bar. Shaw said when he went into the bar on May 28, he saw Swing dancing nude on a table and arrested her and bar manager David Jones.

Swing's charged with engaging in an act of lewdness. Jones was busted for allegedly allowing nudity. The children were released to the custody of their father at the scene.

Went to the father? Well, that's good, because I bet he's a real winner.

And since when is "allowing nudity" a crime. Who the hell wants to make that criminal. Sure, if it's qualified (i.e. allowing nudity by people over 40, or allowing women over 175 pounds to be nude) I get it. But nudity in general? No, no, no. Come on Oklahoma, what's your deal?

I do need to put up these lyrics, however:

From "A Lapdance is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying"
by The Bloodhound Gang

Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Refinance! Become a Polygamist!

2006-06-15T14:07:00.000-05:00

Demi Moore netted $1 million dollars for one night in Indecent Proposal. Maybe that says something about a woman who's only worth $3,300 for a lifetime.

Man hands over wife to pay debt
A Romanian man has handed over his wife to a creditor as payment for his debts. Emil Iancu, from tIghisu Nou, gave his wife Daniela to 72-year-old Jozef Justien Lostrie when he turned up on his doorstep to collect a £1,800 debt.

Iancu said: "I had no money to pay the debt and when I told Lostrie he said he would take my wife instead. I was scared of what he would do and so I signed a document saying Daniela would live with him."

But Daniela says the deal has proved better for her. "Before I had to clean the house and look after our three children on my own, while Emil did nothing, but now I'm treated like a guest and hardly have to raise a finger," she said.

Rumor has it she just needs to lie on her back. Ba-dum-ching.

Seriously though, let's be glad he didn't declare bankruptcy. The equitable distribution would have been messy.

Thanks mom!

2006-06-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

In another edition of World's Greatest Moms, let's hear it for the mom who cut off her own child's ear.

CLEVELAND -- An 11-month-old is awaiting surgery at MetroHealth Medical Center after having her ear cut off.

Thursday evening, Cleveland police received a call from a woman saying her child's father beat her up, and then ran off with the baby. Soon after, the man showed up at the Huron Road hospital, saying that the mother cut the child's ear off.

Investigators say the mother took a large kitchen knife and cut a large part of the 11-month-old's ear off. Tonya Edwards, 35, was arrested for felonious assault, child endangering and domestic violence.

The child was taken to MetroHealth Medical Center by lifeflight helicopter where he is awaiting plastic surgery.

They ought to ~~cut~~ rip that woman's ear off and use it as a donor.

And you thought it hurt when your mom just grabbed you by the ear.

Well, look on the bright side. Now when the kid brings home a crappy scrambled painting, you can pretend he's the next Van Gogh.

And you thought "My Humps" was bad.

2006-06-15T12:31:00.000-05:00

Someone just posted this link over at Rube Chat. Dear God, people listen to this crap?

"You touch my Tra-la-la."

Seriously? Is this real?

And check out that moustache and mullet. At least the Ace of Base girl was attractive.

Step 1: Admitting it's not normal to still live at home.

2006-06-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

Less than 30 years ago, Pong, the first video game, was invented. Today, we have a rehab center for video game addicts.

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands -- Know someone addicted to video games? Here's a chance to execute a real intervention for them. Almost anyone with a teenager may think they know this already. The head of a new Dutch detox center said video games may look innocent, but they can be as addictive as gambling or drugs -- and just as hard to kick.

An addiction center in the Netherlands is opening what's being called Europe's first detox clinic for game addicts.

Keith Bakker is opening the rehab center, Smith & Jones Addiction Consultancy, that offers in-house treatment for gamers who just can't leave the controller alone. Bakker said he's already treated 20 people from 13 to 30 since January. And he said they suffer the traditional withdrawal symptoms from drugs or booze -- like the shakes and the sweats -- when they look at a computer.

"We knew about drugs like crack, but we couldn't find a program anywhere for kids like this," Bakker told the British Broadcasting Corp. "And we saw enormous parallels between problems with gaming and alcohol and gambling. There can be anxiety, panic attacks, sleep problems, dreaming about games, nightmares, shaking," said Bakker.

He told the BBC that parents shouldn't underestimate the seriousness of the issue. He said that the addicts are often "awkward adolescents who want to escape reality." He said they lack social contact, confidence and they may be children of divorced or busy parents. He said these are the kids who just need to get out more.

He told the BBC that the treatment requires a different approach from tackling drug addiction. "You can't do a urine test to see that they're not still gaming," he said. "And if a coke addict said they wanted to go out to a club or to see people, we'd be worried about whether they'd meet a dealer. But if a gamer said he wanted to go out for the night and meet people we'd throw a party."

The detox program that starts in July in Amsterdam will include discussion with therapists and efforts to build interest in other pursuits. The program will consist of an in-patient stay of four to eight weeks to help patients cope with game withdrawal.

I blame Metro Wars.

Prof. S.'s next job application: Rural Payments Agency

2006-06-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

There are some good things about not yet having a job. You can apply for the good ones when they come along.

LONDON (AFP) - Leaping naked from filing cabinets, taking drugs and having sex in the toilets are just a few of the complaints being investigated against a group of civil servants in northern England.

The Rural Payments Agency, which is linked to the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, said one employee at its office in Newcastle had been sacked and others were facing disciplinary action Monday.

The comment came after a whistleblower at the Newcastle office outlined a series of allegations about his workplace to a local newspaper, which included:

-- Staff leaping naked from filing cabinets, which was caught on closed circuit television (CCTV);

-- A new craze of vomiting in cups and leaving them to fester in cupboards until they are discovered through the horrendous smell;

-- People taking drugs and having sex in the toilets;

-- Swearing and having fun-fights in the reception area; and

-- Staff holding break-dancing competitions during working hours.

In a letter to the Evening Chronicle, the whistleblower wrote: "I am appalled at the level of depravity that is being tolerated at my workplace."

A spokesman for the Rural Payments Agency said: "Allegations of serious misconduct by some agency and permanent staff at our Newcastle office is the subject of an ongoing internal investigation. Disciplinary action and a dismissal have already taken place and further action is pending."

The spokesman declined to make any further comment on the matter, but emphasised that the agency expected high standards of its staff.

Sure of a hell lot better than billing hours.

He's adverse possessing them.

2006-06-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

Well, if you can't get your own newsstand, why not just grab someone else's?

PHILADELPHIA - An apparently frustrated, would-be newsstand operator used a rented crane to steal five newsstands from city streets and redeposit them elsewhere, authorities said.

Fatai King of East Mount Airy had filed 42 applications for newsstand licenses with Philadelphia's Department of Licenses and Inspections only to have each rejected, they said.

So King lifted the boxes into the air and then positioned them on some of the corners where he had hoped to operate, according to authorities who charged him Thursday with theft and receiving stolen property.

He relocated one stand from University City to Center City while moving another from the Northeast to West Philadelphia, officials said.

King was also wanted in Montgomery County for failing to appear for a court time.

Well, the statutory clock is ticking. Just another 9.99 years to go.

And yes, as you can tell, Prof. S. has been to too many BarBri courses lately.

Watch Where You Stick That Thing

2006-06-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

This is bizarre. In the “most ill-conceived plan since Enron,” an Ohio man was convicted of raping his teenage stepdaughter with no actual genital contact.

AKRON, Ohio (AP) — A man was sentenced Monday to a 20-year prison term for impregnating his teenage stepdaughter with a syringe eight years ago. John Goff, 44, was . . . convicted of forcing Shenna Grimm to be inseminated with his sperm when she was 16, at a time when her mother could no longer conceive, but both parents allege she consented. The jury also convicted Goff of sexual battery and child endangering. He received 20 years for rape and five years for those charges, to be served at the same time. Goff was convicted in 2002 of the same charges and sentenced to 20 years in prison, but last June an appeals court overturned the convictions, saying a detective's testimony about statements by Goff's wife should not have been allowed. He was convicted again in a second trial.

Grimm, now 23, gave birth to a boy in 1999 and helped raise him for a year before giving him up for adoption. The child remains with his adoptive parents. Goff has argued Grimm agreed to the 1998 impregnation. He told Common Pleas Judge Judith Hunter he was innocent but acknowledged poor judgment. "I will not sugarcoat what has become the most ill-conceived plan since Enron," said Goff, who plans to appeal his conviction. Hunter ordered Goff to register as a sexual offender when he is released from prison.

In the 1990s, Goff and his wife, Narda Goff, who is Grimm's mother, campaigned for a tougher state rape law. Their activism grew out of the acquittal of a man accused of molesting Grimm. At the time, the law required intercourse for a rape charge. Goff was convicted under the tougher state law.

I wonder what Dripps would have to say about this. Any Ideas?

Burn them at the stake! Widows of 9/11 victims are witches!

2006-06-07T18:45:00.000-05:00

Conservative author Ann Coulter sparked a storm on Wednesday after describing a group of September 11 widows who backed the Democratic Party as millionaire "witches" reveling in their status as celebrities.

"I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much," Coulter writes in her book "Godless: The Church of Liberalism," published on Tuesday, referring to four women who headed a campaign that resulted in the creation of the September 11 Commission that investigated the hijacked plane attacks.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060607/ts_nm/life_coulter_dc

Can I really add anything funny to this?

Future Mrs. Prof. S. Called It

2006-06-06T15:43:00.000-05:00

Sure, she may not read the blog. Sure, I might have to hide how much I post. Sure, she thinks it's childish humor (which it is). But deep in her heart, Future Mrs. Prof. S. gets it....

So, what is the big deal with today being 6-6-06? I mean really, it happens every century, why should this one be so different? Did people freak out about it 100 years ago or 100 years before that, back when people actually read the bible?

Just because Dan Brown had to go and write a novel which brought it to the attention of the masses (now keep in mind, the novel is a thriller, a good thriller, I enjoyed it, but a thriller all the same, completely fiction), and people believe everything they read, it gets news coverage.

Sometimes I really hate society. Why can’t they all be smarter? Why don’t they know fiction when they read it, is it not like it was well disguised…

Love you,

**Future Mrs. Prof. S.**

Yep, she gets it.

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

God's Got a Good Sense of Humor

2006-06-06T14:34:00.000-05:00

As if my job situation wasn't proof enough, God has a good sense of humor...

KIEV, Ukraine - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in the Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said Monday.

"The man shouted, 'God will save me, if he exists,' lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

The incident on Sunday evening, when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.

Well, I guess the atheists are right.

Seriously, I picture this like one of those elementary school fights.

No, seriously dude, I'll get your back. Just go up and punch him and we'll all jump in and get your back.

See how well that worked.

There's a reason it says "This is not a Toy."

2006-06-06T14:27:00.000-05:00

Because it's not a toy. You can get yourself hurt.

LUTZ, Fla. - Two college students were found dead inside a large, deflated helium balloon after apparently pulling it down and crawling inside it, officials said.

The deaths of Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman, both 21, appear to be accidental, Hillsborough County Sheriff's Maj. Bob Schrader said. Their bodies were found Saturday partially inside a deflated helium balloon at the entrance of a condominium complex a few miles north of Tampa. The 8-foot-diameter balloon was used to advertise the complex.

"It was more a fun thing they thought they were doing," said Linda Rydman, whose daughter was found dead. "You know how you blow up the balloon and suck the helium."

The county medical examiner said Sunday that the cause of death won't be released for six weeks, until toxicology results come back.

Inhaling helium can quickly lead to brain damage and death from lack of oxygen, according to the Compressed Gas Association, which develops safety standards in the gas industry.

SoaP - Snake on a Plane

2006-06-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

Get. The. Fuck. Out.

Pilot Fights Black Snake Stowaway on Plane
CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Monty Coles was 3,000 feet in the air when he discovered a stowaway peeking out at him from the plane's instrument panel — a 4 1/2-foot black snake.

Coles had left Charleston earlier for a leisurely flight over the West Virginia countryside last Saturday in his Piper Cherokee and was preparing to land in Gallipolis, Ohio, when the snake revealed itself.

"Nothing in any of the manuals ever described anything like this," the 62-year-old Cross Lanes resident said. But the advice given 25 years earlier from his flight instructor immediately came to mind: "No matter what happens, fly the plane."

An attempt to swat the snake only resulted in it falling to Coles' feet under the rudder pedals. It then darted to the other side of the cockpit.

While maintaining control of the single-engine plane with one hand, Coles grabbed the reptile behind its head with his other.

"There was no way I was letting that thing go. It coiled all around my arm, and its tail grabbed hold of a lever on the floor and started pulling," Coles said.

D-Mac Didn't Cover This One

2006-06-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

Umm, does writing a contract in blood give sufficient evidence of a promise for purposes of promissory estoppel? We should find out soon.

A California lawsuit centers on a contract written in blood. Jinsoo Kim is suing Stephen Son for failing to meet a promise written in his own blood.

Son's lawyer admits his client wrote out a repayment promise in his own blood after the two men went to a bar in 2004 and talked over their dispute. But the lawyer says Son only wrote that he would repay to "the best of" his ability.

Kim's lawyer doesn't dispute the translation. But he says it "seems ironic that when they go beyond the usual ink and laser printer" Son would say he didn't mean it.

A co-author and editor of contracts textbooks says over a 40-year career reading contracts, he's "never seen one" written in blood. But he says a contract gains no extra power whether it's "in stone" or oral.

I had to go through nearly all of the old powerpoint slides to find the graphic I was looking for:

A Good Reason to Never Ask for Directions

2006-05-27T16:52:00.000-05:00

You could get arrested. That’s what happened to this Baltimore couple (A long read but worth it):

BALTIMORE -- Baltimore City police arrested a Virginia couple over the weekend after they asked an officer for directions.

WBAL-TV 11 News I-Team reporter David Collins said Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook, of Chantilly, Va., got lost leaving an Orioles game on Saturday. Collins reported a city officer arrested them for trespassing on a public street while they were asking for directions.

. . .

[T]he couple went to a company picnic and watched the Orioles beat Kansas City. It was their first trip to Camden Yards and asked two people for directions to Interstate 95 South when they left. Collins said somehow they ended up in the Cherry Hill section of south Baltimore. Hopelessly lost, relief melted away concerns after they spotted a police vehicle.

"I said, 'Thank goodness, could you please get us to 95?" Kelly said. "The first thing that she said to us was no -- you just ran that stop sign, pull over," Brook said. "It wasn't a big deal. We'll pay the stop sign violation, but can we have directions? What she said was 'You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out.'" Kelly said.

Collins said the couple spotted another police vehicle and flagged that officer down for directions. But Officer Natalie Preston, a six-year veteran of the force, intervened. "That really threw us for a loop when she stepped in between our cars," Kelly said. "(She) said my partner is not going to step in front of me and tell you directions if I'm not."

Collins reported the circumstances got worse. Kelly pulled 40 feet forward parking next to a curb and put his flashers on while Brook was on the phone to her father hoping he could help her with directions. . . .

"(Brook's father) was in the middle of giving us directions when the officer screeched up behind us and got out of the car and asked me to step out. I obeyed," Kelly said. "I obeyed everything -- stepped out of the car, put my hands behind my back, and the next thing I know, I was getting arrested for trespassing."

"By this time, I was completely in tears," Brook said. "I said, 'Ma'am, you know, we just need your help. We are not trying to cause you any trouble. I'm not leaving him here.' What she did was walk over to my side of the car and said, 'Ok, we are taking you downtown, too.'"

Collins said the couple was released from jail without being charged with anything. Brook is now concerned the arrest may complicate a criminal background check she's going through in her job as a child care worker.

Collins said police left Kelly's car unlocked and the windows down at the impound lot. He reported a cell phone charger, pair of sunglasses and 20 CDs were stolen.

Baltimore City police said they are looking into the incident.

And they weren’t even black.

Too Short for Jail

2006-05-27T16:35:00.000-05:00

Apparently we have height restrictions for prison these days:

SIDNEY, Neb. - A judge said a 5-foot-1 man convicted of sexually assaulting a child was too small to survive in prison, and gave him 10 years of probation instead. His crimes deserved a long sentence, District Judge Kristine Cecava said, but she worried that Richard W. Thompson, 50, would be especially imperiled by prison dangers. "You are a sex offender, and you did it to a child," she said.

Well he wasn’t too short to assault a child. I know what is going to happen to him in jail. You know what is going to happen to him in jail. And he knows what is going to happen to him in jail. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go to jail. Stick some lifts in this mother fucker’s shoes and put him away.

In an unrelated story, Kenneth Lay now claims to be 4’8”.

Armless Driver

2006-05-27T16:34:00.000-05:00

I’ve seen some bad drivers in my day, but never any without arms:

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- An armless man stopped for speeding was driving with one foot on the steering wheel and another on the pedals, a policeman testified in court. Colin Smith, who was born without arms and has never held a driver's license, appeared in court Thursday charged with driving in a manner likely to be dangerous to the public.

The police officer who stopped Smith said the driver's seat was reclined and the armless man appeared to be using one foot to steer the car and the other to work the accelerator and brake. Smith, 31, entered no plea but said he would defend himself against the charges. He told the court he had been driving for years, using his feet to steer, and had never had an accident.

The worse part is that he was talking on his cell phone at the time.

Girls Suspended for Playing Bad Music

2006-05-27T12:08:00.000-05:00

Don’t you love stories about school stupidity? I know I do. This one involves middle school girls being suspended for violation of copyright, . . . er, . . . I mean for singing an “inappropriate” song at a talent show:

Atlanta, Georgia - Five middle school girls received an in-school suspension for singing a popular Spice Girls song at a talent show.

You see, right off the bat, there are two major problems with this story. First of all, what bone-headed principal would suspend girls for singing popular music at a talent show? Second, what reporter in his right mind or with any intelligence whatsoever would ever consider a Spice Girls song to be popular in 2006?

The parents of five Gwinnett County teens are still shaking their heads in disbelief after the girls found themselves abruptly suspended from school for singing a Spice Girls song. Not only that, they were also barred from going to their graduation celebration.

How fragile are this country’s children’s egos that they need a graduation ceremony from middle school. If their parents wanted to honor minor scholastic achievements why don’t they stick a bumper sticker on their hybrids. The damn hippies. Anyway, moving forward.

The 8th graders at Five Forks Middle School are just days away from their big end-of-the-year celebration. But straight-A student Rachel Lowe won’t be there. Neither will four of her closest friends.

Who we are left to presume do not have straight A’s.

The five are being punished for singing a song that every “tween” in the world knows by heart -- “Wannabe” by The Spice Girls. The girls got a standing ovation from the crowd, but an in-school suspension from the principal.

“When school came the following Monday morning, the principal pulled the five girls in and was very angry at them, and told them that they ruined the talent show and that she wanted to get up on the stage and jerk the microphone out of their hands,” said mother Raylene Lowe.

I bet that’s not all he wanted to jerk.

The issue is over one word that the principal thought inappropriate -- lover. The parents say the lyrics are, at best, G-rated bubble gum. Now, what they want, what they really-really want, is for the school to allow the girls to go to their class party.

“To take away their 8th grade celebration -- which is one of their few socials they've had in the three years that she's been there -- I thought that was very harsh,” Lowe said. School officials say the girls were told to change the lyrics, but the kids say that's not true, and that it shouldn't be a crime for nice girls to sing The Spice Girls.

No, but it should be a crime to force the rest of the school to listen to the Spice Girls.

Gwinnett County school officials declined to respond on camera, saying that the school's principal and faculty are allowed to decide what lyrics are inappropriate.

Yet another example of school stupidity, and this one didn’t even involve butter knives. Granted the Spice Girls are not exactly good music, but it seems a bit moronic for schools to censor the performance. Regardless of the appropriateness of the lyrics, I’ve got money that says that there are some girls in this middle school that have more experience, if you know what I mean, than this principle. These lyrics are not going to cause the rest of the girls to get pregnant. This episode is just an example of personal taste influencing school administration. Get over it you puritan pencil-pushers.

No word yet on whether the Spice Girls will be suing the five girls for violation of copyright for unauthorized performance.

Carry your books in front of you.

2006-05-20T13:55:00.000-05:00

Finally a smoking hot teacher who's not having sex with a student, and they want to go and fire her because she posed in a bikini.

BOCA RATON -- Erica Chevillar says she found it tough to make ends meet living in South Florida on a $33,000 first-year teacher's salary, so she quietly posed in skimpy swimwear to earn extra money.

Little did she know that students from West Boca Raton High School, where she teaches 10th-grade world history, would soon discover the photos of a familiar model named "Erica Lee" on the USA National Bikini Team Web site, which paid her $250 for a one-day modeling job.

"I think it's ridiculous," the 25-year-old teacher said. "I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do obscene photos." After a one-day investigation, the school district's professional-standards department determined she broke no school-district policy and would face no discipline. At school, she dresses conservatively, "fully buttoned up, hair up, no makeup," she said.

The Bikini Team, which started in 2004, is an agency of about 90 female models from across the country, about half of whom are in South Florida. The women appear at corporate events and pose for calendars and DVDs. Chevillar has yet to appear anywhere except the Web site, but plans to do promotional events after the school year ends. She will appear in the 2007 calendar, which will come out this fall.

Before becoming a teacher, she worked at Hooters, a restaurant known for its scantily clad waitresses.

And the pictures...

Find more here.

Now, many of you would wonder what it is like to have a teacher who looks like this. So did I, until I quickly realized that she looks a lot like a certain writing instructor who I had a couple of years ago - and I think fellow DAAS writers know who I'm talking about.

Let's just say it gives you a reason to go to class.

When you surprise a former fraternity consultant, you know it's bad.

2006-05-20T13:35:00.000-05:00

Now this is a lot of friggin' beer (video). (story here)

70,000 Beer Cans Found in Ogden Townhouse
A seemingly unbelievable mess discovered last year in an Ogden townhouse has suddenly become an Internet legend. It's all TRUE!

You know how some people, after they use something, just can't bear to throw it away. That might make sense if it's magazines or clothes. But what if it's empty beer cans? In astounding numbers?

When property manager Ryan Froerer got a call from a realtor last year to check on a townhouse, he knew something was up.

Ryan Froerer, Century 21: "Said it was the sickest thing he's ever seen. Just unimaginable that someone could live in that." He couldn't even open the front door. It was blocked from inside.

...

Inside, he took just a few snapshots to document the scene. Beer cans by the tens of thousands. Mountains of cans burying the furniture. The water and heat were shut off, apparently on purpose by the tenant, who evidently drank Coors Light beer exclusively for the eight years he lived there.

Tens of thousands of cans of Coors Light? Hell, the guy probably was just trying to get a good buzz.

Gas for Friends Program

2006-05-20T13:13:00.000-05:00

You thought we were having problems with gas prices here. In Germany, women are ditching their friends for gas.

BERLIN - A German woman left her friend as a deposit at a gas station because she did not have enough cash to pay for her gasoline, police said Wednesday.

"She didn't have enough money to pay the bill, so her friend stayed behind as a human deposit while she went to withdraw cash," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Münchberg. "Unfortunately, the woman did not return."

Two hours after the 20-year-old driver left, the gas station called the police, who interrogated the stranded "deposit" before releasing her. Police are investigating the driver on suspicion of fraud.

Some friend.

We missed out.

2006-05-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

Nothing against the speaker at our graduation, but Porten would have been a much better choice.

This is no longer a law school blog.

2006-05-15T11:47:00.000-05:00

This is a post-law school blog.

Please note your records accordingly.

On a side note, congratulations to all of us.

School Assignments

2006-05-15T09:33:00.000-05:00

If I had this assignment in high school, I would have had to take an incomplete.

Asst. Principal Accused Of Telling Student To Videotape Sex
DELAND, Fla. -- Prosecutors say an assistant principal at DeLand High School tried to get a student to videotape herself having sex. The state attorney said Tyrone Tinsley also asked two girls to have sex with each other.

When students at DeLand High School get into trouble, they have to see the assistant principal in charge of discipline. According to charging paperwork, a trip to Tinsley's office could get you much more than detention. Tyrone Tinsley's family appears to be standing behind him as he faces two felony charges, calling the charges lies.

The case concerns his conduct at DeLand High School two years ago. According to prosecutors, when a student spoke to Tinsley about a bad break up, he asked her "if she ever taped herself having sex with her boyfriend" and told her to try it "so he could watch the tape." Prosecutor also wrote that he asked that same teen and another girl "if they would get together with each other."

Tinsley has taught at DeLand since 1981. He's been an assistant principal for the past ten years. He was moved to the district office when an allegation surfaced in November 2004.

A third student claimed he asked her about oral sex.

The sheriff's office recommended charges. The State Attorney's Office did not end up filing on that case, but their investigation led to the charges filed Monday.

Tinsley is still on the Volusia County payroll. In fact, taxpayers will keep paying him at least until the criminal charges are resolved.

Prosecutors first received case work from the sheriff's office in February 2005, 15 months ago. A spokesperson for the State Attorney's Office said the investigation took so long, because they had a difficult time locating witnesses.

Difficulty locating witnesses? How about checking with (a) the girls on the tape, (b) people who have been disciplined, or (c) ANYONE IN THE F-ING SCHOOL! Seriously, how could locating witnesses be hard?

Honestly though, it's a good thing that I didn't get in trouble in this school. I would have had to take an incomplete.

Funny Stuff Throughout the Day

2006-05-15T09:22:00.000-05:00

Today’s First One: Guy wearing the Gwen Stefani Harajuku Lovers Tour 2005 t-shirt.

Complete with a banana with Chinese writing on it.

The Chinese writing likely says, “I can’t believe people thought that banana song was good. Suckers.”

Kansas Takes a Stand

2006-05-10T15:07:00.000-05:00

Kansas has finally taken a stand. You must now be at least 15 years old to get married in that state.

TOPEKA, Kan. - Kansas may have seen the last of its child brides. After a pregnant 14-year-old from Nebraska drove to Kansas last year to marry her 22-year-old boyfriend, now serving time for having sex with the minor, Kansas lawmakers decided it was time the set a minimum marriage age.

On Thursday, the Kansas House vote 119-0 to approve a bill that would prohibit anyone under the age of 15 from marrying in Kansas and would set strict limits for would-be brides or grooms under the age of 18. The Senate approved it a day earlier, 36-4.
...
Currently, Kansas has no minimum age for marriage if the minor has parental or judicial approval.

I wonder which 4 senators voted against it. More importantly, I wonder why these senators voted against it.

What else do you expect from a state where the school board has pushed for Intelligent Design to be taught in schools.

Shave Everywhere

2006-05-09T16:40:00.000-05:00

This cannot be real, but it looks official. If this is real, it is perhaps the ballsiest ad campaign I’ve ever seen. At shaveeverwhere.com you can learn about the latest Norelco razor, and exactly how to use it. Make sure you click on the main menu when the opening is over and check out “where to shave,” “optical inch,” and “test drive.”

All American Badass.

2006-05-09T13:25:00.000-05:00

Next time you're whining about ... well ... anything, think about this badass. The story is long, but well worth the read.

MARINE CORPS BASE CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. (May 4, 2006) -- Sgt. Maj. Bradley A. Kasal feels he did what any good Marine would’ve done. That includes taking enemy rifle fire on Nov. 14, 2004, absorbing a grenade blast and refusing medical attention inside Fallujah’s “House of Hell” during Operation Al Fajr (New Dawn).

For his extraordinary heroism and leadership in Fallujah, Iraq, as the Weapons Company first sergeant for 3rd Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, Kasal was awarded the Navy Cross during a ceremony here Monday.

“The word hero is tossed around pretty loosely these days,” said Maj. Gen. Michael R. Lehnert, Commanding General of Marine Corps Installations West, after awarding Kasal with the Naval service’s second-highest decoration, in front of an audience that included the 1st Marine Division’s past and present commanding generals, Lt. Gen. James N. Mattis and Maj. Gen. Richard F. Natonski, respectively. ”Some may call a basketball player a hero for scoring the winning goal or a celebrity for donating a small portion of their earnings to a good cause, but Kasal is a true American hero.”

When then-1st Sgt. Kasal assisted one of his platoons with an over watch inside Fallujah that day, intense gunfire broke out in an Iraqi home to his immediate front. Seconds later, Marines were rapidly exiting the building, known as the “House of Hell.” “That house was a death trap,” said Maj. Gen. Lehnert.

“It was set up for one purpose: to kill United States Marines.” Kasal could have easily stayed out of the house.”

When he found out that there were Marines still pinned down inside the infamous house, nothing the insurgents could put on the table would stop him from rescuing his Marines.

“Going in for them was the right thing to do,” said Kasal, 39, who hails from Afton, Iowa. “They’re Marines, and I’m a Marine. We look out for each other.”

Upon entry of the house, Kasal found himself face-to-face with an insurgent who he neutralized at extreme close range. Shortly afterwards, AK-47 gunfire was coming from all directions, and Kasal was hit from behind.

“While I was in that house, I made three life or death decisions,” Kasal said. “I never thought I would live through any of them, but I did what I did to help the other Marines.”

The first decision Kasal made was to expose himself to enemy fire in order to pull another wounded Marine out of the line of fire. Kasal took more enemy fire doing this.

While both Marines were under cover, they assessed their wounds. Both had multiple injuries, but there were only enough bandages for one of them to live.

Kasal made his second decision to forfeit his medical supplies to the other Marine.

“It made more sense to use all of the bandages on one of us then to split the supplies and have us both bleed to death,” Kasal said.

The insurgents deployed a hand grenade to get the Marines out of cover, and it landed within a few feet of the two bleeding Marines.

Kasal then decided to use his own severely wounded body to protect the Marine from shrapnel.

By the time he was carried out of the house by Lance Cpl. Chris Marquez and Lance Cpl. Dan Shaffer as Lucian M. Reed, an Associated Press photographer snapped the iconic photo displayed at Marine Corps installations all over the globe, Kasal had lost approximately 60 percent of his blood from more than 40 shrapnel wounds and seven 7.62 mm AK-47 gunshots.

One day prior to being awarded the Navy Cross Kasal’s father passed away.

However, a live video teleconference feed to Kasal’s hometown provided his mother, family members and friends an opportunity to watch him receive the Navy Cross, be promoted to the rank of sergeant major and reenlist for three years.

“It’s been a very emotional week,” Kasal said. “I am blessed to recover from my injuries, which the doctors thought would never happen, and regain my place in the Marine Corps. I would take the pain of surgeries any day over the pain of being away from my Marines.”

Sgt. Kasal, you are a true American badass. You're the reason snivling hippies and crackpot religious funeral protestors get to do what they do - even if it insults you.

So next time any of you want to whine about anything, ask yourself what Sgt. Kasal would do. Then pick your sorry ass up and get to work.

Star Trek not too far off?

2006-05-09T13:21:00.000-05:00

They are actually working on a cloaking device.

The cloaking devices that are used to render spacecraft invisible in Star Trek might just work in reality, two mathematicians have claimed. They have outlined their concept in a research paper published in one of the UK Royal Society's scientific journals.

Nicolae Nicorovici and Graeme Milton propose that placing certain objects close to a material called a superlens could make them appear to vanish. It would rely on an effect known as "anomalous localised resonance". If the speck of dust is close enough it induces a very aggressive response in the cloaking material.

However, the authors have so far only done the maths to verify that the concept could work. Building such a device would undoubtedly pose a significant challenge.

Cloaking devices are a form of stealth technology much favoured by Star Trek baddies such as the Romulans and Klingons. The complex mathematical phenomenon outlined by Milton and Nicorovici closes the gap a little between science fiction and fact.

The phenomenon is analogous to a tuning fork (which rings with a single sound frequency) being placed next to a wine glass. The wine glass will start to ring with the same frequency; it resonates. The cloaking effect would exploit a resonance with light waves rather than sound waves.

The concept is at such a primitive stage that scientists are talking only at the moment of being able to cloak particles of dust - not spaceships.

In this example, an illuminated speck of dust would scatter light at frequencies that induce a strong, finely tuned resonance in a cloaking material placed very close by. The resonance effectively cancels out the light bouncing off the speck of dust, rendering the dust particle invisible.

Just think, then the insurgents would have to rely on sound when deciding when to detonate their IEDs.

Honestly though, if we're figuring this stuff out in 2006, maybe Star Trek isn't far off.

Self Replicating Robots?

2006-05-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Isn't this how Terminator starts out? Some classic movie inept nerd has invented self-replicating robots.

This can't be good.

Actually, I was just looking for an excuse for this picture.

Good Move Dumbass

2006-05-09T13:06:00.000-05:00

This guy had it coming.

Douchebag.

Screw you Bill Gates

2006-05-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

Bill Gates doesn't like being the richest man in the world.

Boo-hoo.

Hey Bill, want to know what you can do with your money? Here's an idea.

Seriously, check out the Bill Gates Calculator to see what he could do.

You can kill me, can't you Kenny?

2006-05-09T10:59:00.000-05:00

The world's oldest person turned 128 this week. Think about that. 128 years old.

That means:

She was born in 1878. Rutherford B. Hayes was President. She has seen 25 of the 43 presidencies. She also reports that there will never be a President as bad as Warren G. Harding.

She was 39 during World War I, and eligible for Social Security during World War II (63 years old).

She was also old enough to see the Spanish American War, which started when the USS Maine sunk in Cuba. The U.S. falsely blamed this on Spain, leading to the war (the sinking was self-inflicted). She reports that this was the second most absurd pre-text for war she as ever heard.

She was 28 when the first radio broadcast occurred. She was 29 when the first jewelry commerical aired.

She was 30 when the first Model T rolled off of the assembly line. She was already too old to get it on in the back seat.

She is older than 12 states, including the Dakotas and much of the West.

She was born before the NYSE had lights or telephones on the floor. The Dow Jones average did not exist yet, which is why I can't tell you the trading levels.

The $100,000 in loans we have would be worth about $5,700. Langdell, who is famed for being the first with the Socratic method in law school, was the Dean at Harvard. She was 24 when Holmes was confirmed to the Suprme Court.

Minneapolis's population was less than 50,000. It was the 38th largest city in the country. Traffic on the Crosstown still sucked.

So here's to you Cruz Hernandez. May you continue to enjoy a long life and good health.

The Best Places to Go to Prison

2006-05-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

From personal trainers to private music lessons these prisons offer the best in corporate excess. This article may be written like shit, but the subject matter is surely DAAS worthy. What does it say about our economy when Forbes.com runs a story on cushy federal prisons for CEOs?

Drink Corona to Celebrate a French Defeat?

2006-05-05T13:52:00.000-05:00

What, you mean it's not Mexican Independence Day? You mean Cinco de Mayo is all about a French military defeat?

Talk about a pointless celebration. I hardly think I should suffer through Cornonas to celebrate something that was a foregone conclusion. Celebrating a French defeat is like celebrating a Gophers non-conference win.

Now, if the French actually had a military victory, that might be something to celebrate.